hands + feet

it's the topic of almost every discussion, facebook thread, instagram post, news story this week...what happened in vegas. i wanted to keep my mouth shut for fear of man. i wanted to leave the opinions to facebook repostings and brief instagram captions...but i cannot.

i cannot continue to sit back and watch each passing 'pray for vegas' picture and pretend like it's ok.

i cannot continue to watch government officials all around the states tweet out 'thoughts and prayers' and pretend like it's ok.

three times over

it's been three years. september 21, 2014 my best friend, soulmate, the love of my life asked me to marry him.

and here we are married, with two daughters now happy as clams, simple as that! the end.

not exactly.

37/52

[a portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2017]

36/52

my my my. i knew i would do this. it's been about 24 weeks since my last portrait of the girls. and at that point amelia was still in utero. this little project is special to me, though, so i am going to do my darnedest to finish out the year in its entirety.

more than a mother

please forgive the radio silence around these parts. my goal is to be more consistent about posting in this space, but i have yet to find balance between all the ways in which i am being pulled.

mothering, keeping a home, some semblance of a social life, not to mention marriage... it's quite a load.

the mother in me is exhausted. chasing a spirited two year old--who is discovering free will, her voice and emotions--while caring for a three month old who more often than not is suckling energy from my breast, it's no easy task. don't misunderstand my words...i never thought it would be. i was not naive as we ventured into this parenting of multiples.

the birth of amelia

her due date came and went as due dates often do. and, really, we weren't shocked as hadley surpassed hers as well, so we were expecting this little one to arrive late. the clock continued ticking, my pulse quickened and my anxiety increased as it began to seem more and more possible that these sisters could very well share a birthday.

the birth of hadley

flipping through the pages of a parenting magazine, i sat waiting for my non-stress test. i was one week and a day overdue, with very little patience and a whole lot of anxiety. the day after my due date, my o.b. had said she would be surprised if i went past the weekend. and yet there i was, sitting, past the weekend on a wednesday, still very much pregnant.

what's in my diaper bag?

silence + apathy

back when i was almost twenty weeks pregnant, there was a moment where i completely freaked out about the new little babe growing in my belly. okay...there were many moments. but i knew they wouldn't last. i knew my heart would grow twice its size, expand so much i couldn't even begin to fathom it...at least, that's what i was told.

i was told i wouldn't be able to remember life without two. i was told i would fall in love with her like i did with my first.

and then she was born.

sweat, milk and slowing down

i frantically run around the apartment, crying baby in one hand, a pile of laundry in the other.

"hadley, put your clogs by the front door! 1-2-3... hadley do you want to see friends today? you need to help mama clean up!" i try my best to stay calm and sweet. but really i'm not trying that hard.

the kitchen is a mess, the bathroom disgusting, we have overflowing laundry baskets which means i have absolutely no clean nursing bras and it has been two days since i last showered.

sisters

this was the moment i waited nine long months for: our two precious girls to meet. as much as i anticipated it, though, i didn't snap a single photo as my hands were plenty full. but oh, my heart just burst through the brim.

hadley was quite shy at first as she walked through our front door, past the sign her daddy wrote reading "welcome home big sister hadley grace." she slowly walked towards me, donning a big sister shirt her nana had given her during her stay at their house while we were at the birthing center. she seemed a bit unsure as she glanced around the room first at me and the baby, then towards her daddy, then over to her nana, then back at me and baby.

welcome to the world...

after nine long months full of anticipation, prayer, excitement and--more often than not--impatience, we are thrilled to announce that our newest bundle of joy has finally arrived safe and sound.

laborade: a recipe

sometimes making a small change in the way we've done things before is enough to calm nerves and--praying and crossing my fingers--could even change whole situations.

i'm talking about labor. with hadley, my labor lasted ten hours, start to finish including pushing. it wasn't a horror story, it wasn't a walk in the park. however, i was induced and i still carry guilt with me for that. i had an epidural and i still carry guilt for that as well. i'll share a more detailed version of her birth soon, but in the meantime i wanted to share this recipe i've been working on.

on surrender

"there is an appointed time for everything. and there is a time for every event under heaven--a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted."
-ecclesiastes 3:2

as our family anticipates the arrival of this new little one, we are met with every emotion. it's difficult for me to quit thinking that happiness lies in the future, no matter how badly we yearn for it. but rather, we must be fully present, giving into the slow-drip of time and of waiting. there is only so many more days left as a family of three--as hadley being our only child--and i long so badly to savor these moments, to soak up all the richness that is right now.

with less than two days to go until the "due date," we will be going about our days quite the same but with an emphasis on being here, fully invested. i place quotations there because, well, baby could come any day now...or she may possibly wait for a few more weeks (crossing my fingers the latter does not happen).

a peek inside my birthing bag

as i lay in bed with my feet propped up i cannot help but notice that this little babe who is tucked snug beneath my heart is quieter than normal. she must be napping. she seems to be doing a lot of that lately as she really has run out of room, me being filled to the brim. i'm ready to pop. any moment now. and it truly is taking a toll on this here pregnant body of mine, which has been favoring pre-labor contractions for the past week or so.

there have been many moments i have quickly grabbed david's arm with that look on my face and asked him if i should call neva, our midwife. "just wait, just wait," he's said. and so far he's been right.

at almost 40 weeks, we are both soo ready and nowhere near ready. isn't funny how that is? but as we look back on our time with hadley as a newborn we are reminded they don't need much. so when this little babe decides to make her grand entrance, we know all will be well.

every hour i need thee

my throat was swollen with tears. you know that i-might-vomit-i'm-on-the-verge-of-balling-so-hard lump in your throat that you get? paired with blurry vision from tears that won't hold back, a car ride isn't really the place i wanted to be. and yet, that is where i found myself. in the driver seat, losing it, feeling as if i had no control, as if i wasn't really at the wheel.

i sat there, hadley dozing in the backseat getting a head start on naptime, while kari jobe's healer kept shooting little pangs of aches deep in my heart, my gut.

the night she lost her paci

on turning twenty five

a quarter of a century...just five years shy of thirty, thirty! which used to seem so ancient to me. and now, most of our friends are approaching that age quickly or have already passed into their thirties. i cried yesterday to david--i've been doing that a lot recently...crying. i told him i still feel so young. that i still have so much life left and, yet, it feels like it's flying by.

one year ago i told him that i wanted my 25th to be a big deal. "go all out," i said, "throw me a surprise party! plan a big vacation!" and then i got pregnant again.

spring babymoon on the oregon coast

growing up, my family spent labor day weekend each year in cannon beach with a big--and i mean huge--group of friends. every year that group got bigger and friends became more like family. it was something my brothers and i looked forward to all summer long. thus, the oregon coast has become very near and dear to my heart. so when david and i were talking about if and where to do a babymoon, cannon beach was the first thing to come to my mind.

12/52

on loving yourself: tips for self-care

here i am sitting in a quiet apartment, cozied up under a blanket with my second cup of coffee steaming within arms reach, a typical nap time scene for me. it has slowly but surely become my sanctuary where i recharge, reflect and rest.

so much has happened since finding myself deep in the throes of motherhood. from struggling with postpartum depression and severe loneliness, to coping with an ever-changing body it's been a long and difficult two years.

11/52

the softest robe by shop pink blush

the story of hadley, part two: pregnant at the altar

my nerves ran wild.

it took everything in me to breathe slowly, let alone attempt to calm myself down.

as i wrapped my arm through my father's, tears began filling my eyes.

i can't do this, dad, i cannot do this.

you'll be fine, he patted my hand and choked back tears of his own.

we rounded the corner and paused at the beginning of the aisle.

first my mother stood, and then the rest of the crowd.

that's when i lost it.

motherhood + pregnancy: what no one told me

white robe by shop pink blush

pregnancy! motherhood! i feel like we try to prepare as much as we can: ask the questions, read the books and the blogs, we receive a whole heck of a lot of unsolicited advice, but once we're thrown into the swing of it all, we realize there is a lot that no one or nothing really could have prepared you for. i thought i would share a few things (serious and funny, alike) that have happened to me and that have helped me over the course of the last few years on this journey called motherhood.

9/52

well, that didn't last long, did it? i had so many good intentions to actually follow through with this plan to take weekly pictures, alas, life happens and if we've learned anything the past few years, it's that you just have to roll with the punches and shake it off.

so we're back, eight weeks later (goodness!) with another 'weekly portrait' of my girls. i'm trying to be more organized lately--writing every single thing i need to remember down in my planner--so here's to hoping i'll be able to make it from here on out ;)

motherhood, the loneliest season

it has been 952 days since the gray cloud has made its way into my life, my heart--952 days since i took a positive pregnancy test and slowly began the sink into isolation.

my mother told me it would happen. it happened to her, she said, and it's happened to others--many others.

one would think after a few years this would go away, the clouds would lift, evaporate. but that's not the case, not even close.

this week my feelings have been much like the weather: snowing one moment, sunny and in the seventies the next--very confused, very bipolar.

the story of hadley, part one: an ending

two years ago we announced the news of our unplanned pregnancy.

when it happened--it being, you know, it--we were freshly four months into dating, still getting to know each other, no where near engaged and still in our undergrad programs.

as hadley's second birthday draws near, i wanted to re-tell a bit of her story in three parts because

every. life. matters.

25 weeks

here i am over halfway through this pregnancy...less than seventeen weeks left of this sweet girl and i sharing one body.

and ohhh how i am struggling with this here body of mine this time around. my swollen, bulging belly, pressing down on every organ as if they might burst. i find myself walking about holding my hand below the waist of my pants hoping i could truly support and ease the pressure even a little.

i thumb through wooden hangers in the closet just to rip another shirt off and leave it in a pile with the others, discouraged by how it hangs and clings in all the wrong places. it's unflattering--or--it shows the maternity band on my jeans and now that's just really attractive, isn't it?

1/52

david and i were talking the other night about remembering. remembering this season in our life to be exact. as much as i am restless in knowing this apartment, this city, this community is all temporary, i want to soak it all in--to bottle it up, the feeling of it all. because in the blink of an eye, it will all be gone. hadley will be older, baby girl #2 will be born and grown, david and myself wrinkled and grey. it's all so so precious and so fleeting.

which is one of the main motivations for me to keep this blog up--to remember, to record and capture moments before they have disappeared from time and memory. inevitably, though, that is the reality of life and we must let it run this course.

all that being said, each week of this year i will be taking a picture of my girls, all two of them and posting the images here. this year will be a sweet one to capture, as we transition from a family of three to four. i love the idea of seeing hadley and her little sister's friendship unfold week after week in portraits all gathered up here in one place. i know i will treasure and be thankful for those collected memories.

and i hope you enjoy as well.

bloglovin'

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so we lay here

and for a moment, we were alone, as it was--though brief--once before. those sacred, quiet moments when little arms and legs are cozy and tucked, when the eyelids fall shut and sweet dreams commence, it's the two of us again, just him and i and time.

click, click, click

the light switch! he starts to giggle, hand clutched over his mouth, i say go see! he creeps down the short, sad excuse of a hall careful not to press feet against creaky floor boards (there are many) and listens.

the questions whirr in my head, seeking a solution to the many reasons our darling daughter could still be awake. this wasn't like her.

family photos for the soul

some days it's quite hard for me to come to terms and just accept the fact that we aren't well off, that i can't do what everyone else is doing and that it's going to take quite a bit of time and patience to get to the place (physically and figuratively) we want to be.

and other days it's like: well shoot, who cares. that's life and life is a journey.

we decided to forego traditional christmas cards this year. does anyone our age even do christmas cards? i just love the thought of wrapping up a bit of our family to send to friends and loved ones near and far, making our way into their mailboxes, giving them something to open rather than bills and advertisements. i digress...but i still wanted to capture our little family of three in this chapter of our lives: hadley's little pigtails, her itty bitty teeth (by the way, she has all of them now!), my belly housing a teeny sister before it really begins to bulge, david and i learning and growing in what it means to be sacrificial and selfless as parent and spouse.

#goals

david and i began the tradition (on our honeymoon and first new year together) to write a list of goals. more than just new years resolutions, it's a chance to really reflect on the past year of our marriage, our own personal growth, our family and more. to re-evaluate unrealistic expectations while also holding ourselves to a higher standard for the following year.

most of those goals are related to the relational, spiritual and financial aspects of our marriage, stuff that has to do with the both of us (and now our little babes). but i thought it would be good to jot down a list for strictly myself: woman, mother, on the brink of turning 25.

even in the hardest days when i am crying in the corner i feel like i have won the lottery as a stay at home mum. it's hard to describe to non-parents, but becoming a parent is truly the most fulfilling thing i have done in this lifetime. i remember nannying and being so relieved when the parents would get home, so thankful i didn't have to take care of kids 24/7. ha! i couldn't have been more wrong.