what she hadn't told me was that it was very possible and more common than not to be walking around for weeks on end dilated a few centimeters or so.
they called my name and i walked down the hall to the room where i was hooked up to machines which monitored the baby for over an hour.
i wasn't worried whether the baby was ok. i would lie awake in the early mornings with david staring at my belly turning and rolling and seeing her little kicks and flutters. after all we had been through i was just plain ready to be done being pregnant.
when the hour was up i met with my o.b. and she looked at me and very business-like with no attachment asked, so when do you want to have this baby?
with a blank look on my face and a little bit of frustration in my tone, i told her since she had gotten my hopes up and made me think i would have had her by now, umm....yesterday.
so it was decided. right then and there she scheduled my induction for the very next day. i drove home--we were living with my parents at the time--and when i arrived the phone was ringing as i stepped through the front door.
we had a spot open up for an induction this evening if you want to come in tonight, the voice on the phone said. i agreed, hung up and called my mom and david.
in a way it was kind of nice, to know when i was going to go in. i went with my mom to get my nails done, we had a nice dinner, double checked our bags had everything we needed for the hospital and off we drove.
david and i arrived around 8, and i handed them my birth plan, for even though i was having a hospital birth i was insistent that it would be as natural as possible. the fact that i was being induced was already enough compromise and i really wasn't willing or hoping for anymore.
we had recently watched the business of being born so i told my o.b., absolutely no pitocin please! we opted for cytotec, instead, a small pill used to soften the cervix and induce contractions to begin labor (since then i have learned of many side affects and other harmful ways these pills can affect you and baby which is why i chose to go the drug-free route during amelia's labor and delivery).
at 9 p.m. april 29, i was given my first dose of half a pill. david curled up on the couch next to the bed and we went to sleep. i was woken by the nurses around midnight to check my progress. next to nothing. around 2 a.m. i was given a second dose--the other half. and to let those of you who have never received this pill know, they have to poke, prod and shove in order for it to stick to the cervix. soooo comfortable and pleasant (read: sarcasm).
it was 4 in the morning when the contractions began. the nurses could see how giddy i was and told me to keep resting if i could because what was to come would take a great amount of energy. of course, being me, i didn't listen and out of excitement woke david to tell him...also so he could keep me company.
for the next 6 hours it was pretty standard. i labored in various postitions--the ball, the tub, the side of the bed, dancing with david. i was in a lot more pain than my labor with amelia (partly because, first baby, but also in part due to the induction making contractions happen when they wouldn't be naturally) so i didn't stay laboring in one position very long.
around 10:30 they checked my progression. i was dilated to an eight. the pain became excruciating. my breaths were out of control and i began to panic. i need to push! i would shout. no you can't! do not push melissa, the nurses said. so i tensed up, it took everything in me not to push--to work against my body instead of with it. an hour and a half went by of wailing and crying and pleading with them to be allowed to push. they checked me again. still an eight. no progress.
melissa, you need to relax. your body will not progress if you aren't relaxing. i screamed at them, how am i supposed to relax when i'm tensing up trying not to push? they were telling me two completely contradicting statements.
at this point i was on the edge of the bed pressing my face hard against david's chest during contractions. there were no breaks. at least that's what it felt like. in reality there were about thirty seconds between contractions. and for each of those breaks i passed out, completely. i was utterly drained, exhausted.
i can't do this, i told david, help me.
the o.b. who was on duty was not my own--of course. she came in to tell me i had a couple of options, she called them.
either you relax and keep progressing, or you get an epidural, or...she stopped, her voice trailing. but we all knew what she was going to say. i could tell everyone was thinking it. cesarean.
i looked at david, my mom, the three nurses and the doctor in the room. a lump welled up in my throat.
i choked out, give me the epidural.
the anesthesiologist came and swiftly stuck the largest needle i had ever seen into my spine. within seconds an overwhelming sense of relief and relaxation flooded down over my lower body.
ten minutes later, the doctor checked me once again. i was fully dilated.
the tension in the room lifted, the air was lighter and happier and i began to push. although i couldn't lift my legs on my own--let alone feel them--i was able to feel the pressure of the contractions in my uterus and still felt that i could work with my body.
for an hour and a half i pushed, leisurely while we casually chatted with the doctor.
i see the head! she said all of a sudden, give me one more biiggg push!
and there she was. the gift we hadn't asked for but the grace we had been given. hadley grace landrus, born at 2:24 p.m. april 30, 2015, 7 pounds 4 and a half ounces. worth all the shame, all of heartache, she was more beautiful than we could have ever imagined and our hearts overflowed with joy.
with a blank look on my face and a little bit of frustration in my tone, i told her since she had gotten my hopes up and made me think i would have had her by now, umm....yesterday.
so it was decided. right then and there she scheduled my induction for the very next day. i drove home--we were living with my parents at the time--and when i arrived the phone was ringing as i stepped through the front door.
we had a spot open up for an induction this evening if you want to come in tonight, the voice on the phone said. i agreed, hung up and called my mom and david.
in a way it was kind of nice, to know when i was going to go in. i went with my mom to get my nails done, we had a nice dinner, double checked our bags had everything we needed for the hospital and off we drove.
david and i arrived around 8, and i handed them my birth plan, for even though i was having a hospital birth i was insistent that it would be as natural as possible. the fact that i was being induced was already enough compromise and i really wasn't willing or hoping for anymore.
we had recently watched the business of being born so i told my o.b., absolutely no pitocin please! we opted for cytotec, instead, a small pill used to soften the cervix and induce contractions to begin labor (since then i have learned of many side affects and other harmful ways these pills can affect you and baby which is why i chose to go the drug-free route during amelia's labor and delivery).
at 9 p.m. april 29, i was given my first dose of half a pill. david curled up on the couch next to the bed and we went to sleep. i was woken by the nurses around midnight to check my progress. next to nothing. around 2 a.m. i was given a second dose--the other half. and to let those of you who have never received this pill know, they have to poke, prod and shove in order for it to stick to the cervix. soooo comfortable and pleasant (read: sarcasm).
it was 4 in the morning when the contractions began. the nurses could see how giddy i was and told me to keep resting if i could because what was to come would take a great amount of energy. of course, being me, i didn't listen and out of excitement woke david to tell him...also so he could keep me company.
for the next 6 hours it was pretty standard. i labored in various postitions--the ball, the tub, the side of the bed, dancing with david. i was in a lot more pain than my labor with amelia (partly because, first baby, but also in part due to the induction making contractions happen when they wouldn't be naturally) so i didn't stay laboring in one position very long.
around 10:30 they checked my progression. i was dilated to an eight. the pain became excruciating. my breaths were out of control and i began to panic. i need to push! i would shout. no you can't! do not push melissa, the nurses said. so i tensed up, it took everything in me not to push--to work against my body instead of with it. an hour and a half went by of wailing and crying and pleading with them to be allowed to push. they checked me again. still an eight. no progress.
melissa, you need to relax. your body will not progress if you aren't relaxing. i screamed at them, how am i supposed to relax when i'm tensing up trying not to push? they were telling me two completely contradicting statements.
at this point i was on the edge of the bed pressing my face hard against david's chest during contractions. there were no breaks. at least that's what it felt like. in reality there were about thirty seconds between contractions. and for each of those breaks i passed out, completely. i was utterly drained, exhausted.
i can't do this, i told david, help me.
the o.b. who was on duty was not my own--of course. she came in to tell me i had a couple of options, she called them.
either you relax and keep progressing, or you get an epidural, or...she stopped, her voice trailing. but we all knew what she was going to say. i could tell everyone was thinking it. cesarean.
i looked at david, my mom, the three nurses and the doctor in the room. a lump welled up in my throat.
i choked out, give me the epidural.
the anesthesiologist came and swiftly stuck the largest needle i had ever seen into my spine. within seconds an overwhelming sense of relief and relaxation flooded down over my lower body.
ten minutes later, the doctor checked me once again. i was fully dilated.
the tension in the room lifted, the air was lighter and happier and i began to push. although i couldn't lift my legs on my own--let alone feel them--i was able to feel the pressure of the contractions in my uterus and still felt that i could work with my body.
for an hour and a half i pushed, leisurely while we casually chatted with the doctor.
i see the head! she said all of a sudden, give me one more biiggg push!
and there she was. the gift we hadn't asked for but the grace we had been given. hadley grace landrus, born at 2:24 p.m. april 30, 2015, 7 pounds 4 and a half ounces. worth all the shame, all of heartache, she was more beautiful than we could have ever imagined and our hearts overflowed with joy.
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