the story of hadley, part two: pregnant at the altar

my nerves ran wild.

it took everything in me to breathe slowly, let alone attempt to calm myself down.

as i wrapped my arm through my father's, tears began filling my eyes.

i can't do this, dad, i cannot do this.

you'll be fine, he patted my hand and choked back tears of his own.

we rounded the corner and paused at the beginning of the aisle.

first my mother stood, and then the rest of the crowd.

that's when i lost it.


i clung tightly to my daddy's arm and pursed my lips together, trying to keep a smile on my face, trying to hold back tears.

these tears--these emotions--were full, so full of so many years, so many circumstances, so many ups and downs of my life that lead to this culmination, this very moment.

walking down the aisle, i watched my life flash before my eyes. so many of the people beaming at me now were present in those bits and pieces of fragmented memories.

accompanying those were negative thoughts.

you don't deserve this, something inside me screamed.

you don't deserve to be celebrated.

as we came to the front of the room, under the twinkling of lights my soon-to-be-husband took my hand and helped me up the three steps where we would soon say our vows.

and there i stood, pregnant at the altar.

i hoped and prayed i would be able to stand through our ceremony. at five months pregnant i was getting faint quite easily and almost passed out during my final dress fitting.

oh--the dress--the dress that made me feel like a princess. the dress that was so poofy it hid the wee little bump of a baby.

i remember the day i got my dress. it was hidden in a quaint little boutique in seattle. it was the first dress i tried on, but of course i had to try on more before deciding. when we walked into the shop, i was a wreck i was so nervous.

i was only three months pregnant at the time and we had no idea how much i would grow by the wedding. would i be showing? would the dress even fit?

but white dresses are for virgins. maybe i should go with off-white?

all of these questions and fears continued to pile up over the weeks until that stroll with my dad down the aisle where i lost it.

and i lost a part of myself when i became pregnant.

i lost myself in the secrecy, trying to hide and cover up this teeny life until after we were married. i was ashamed. i wanted so badly for our wedding to be about us--the two of us, not the three of us. i was so thankful when i didn't start showing until almost 8 months.

then we announced it to the public and i was absolutely overwhelmed by the support, the blessings, the prayers over this life--over her life. i was floored by the grace.

walking down that aisle was one of the hardest things i have ever done. not because i didn't want to marry david. i would marry him one thousand times over in a heartbeat.

it was one of the hardest things i have ever done because i was staring fear and shame and perfection in the face and rebuking it.

every child is a gift. every birth is worthy of celebration. every pregnancy is worthy of counting the milestones. and i dearly regret missing out on a heap of that--the joy, the blessings. all because i was writhing in fear and shame.

mamas, you are worth celebrating. your baby inside you is worth celebrating, no matter the circumstances.

do not rob yourself of that joy by hiding behind shame.

there is no shame--no fear--in love.

it's the love of thousands that brought you here.

it's the love of thousands that brought us our baby girl.

so i look back fondly on the day of our wedding, not only because of the two of us.

but the three of us.

[for part one of the story of hadley click here]