lavender lately

i mull over a multitude of emotions, while driving under a blanket of stars at 3:45 am toward a  memorial service in oregon. there's a lump in my throat and tears well up in my eyes as the sun rises, a foray of pink and golden orange fire filling the otherwise clear sky. new mercies.

hesitation, shame, guilt, confusion, grief, devastation jumble around my being.


i recently shared on instagram that david lost his job earlier this summer. as per his letter of termination, insurance would continue to cover us through the end of that month...well it just so happens they aply chose to fire him the last day of july. how very thoughtful.

a few weeks later, he was still unemployed (however, rumors of job offers floated around without anything being officially offered) and we were still uninsured. i began to feel...off.

my time of the month drew near and i had an inkling everything was, in fact, not normal, just as i have twice before in the last four years. two days passed after my missed period. then three...and five. on the sixth day, the faintest of plus signs formed. i blinked, stared, questioned whether i was seeing things.

three more positives followed over the next week.

giddily, i confided in a few friends, possibly--no definitely--more than i have ought to. we weren't even trying, i told them.

despite the fact that, quite frankly, we were trying to avoid this until the next year, we readily grasped onto this new reality...envisioning life outnumbered by children. chaotic, overflowing joy. names were exchanged. talks of mini vans, shared birthday parties and cloth diapering abounded.

i downloaded the pregnancy app that i have always used and began entering all my information.

your baby is the size of a lavender bud, it read one morning.

lavender--delicate, precious, fragrant even dried, symbolizing grace.

being that i am an avid pee-on-a-stick-addict, of course, i kept testing...

negative.

then negative again.

what in the world? i thought as my symptoms simultaneously began to die down as well.

frantic, i googled.

ovarian cancer?!

calm down, david told me later that night. quit testing so much! you're fine.

but i knew something was not right.

being that we still were without insurance, i made an appointment at a free clinic for the next evening.

after giving them more than enough information, i peed in the cup and passed it through the hole in the wall.

i'm so sorry, the nurse came back, it's negative.

how was this possible? after four positive pregnancy tests?

you may be about to miscarriage. 

a punch. in. the. freaking. gut.

the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. i wouldn't let it. after two healthy pregnancies and births, no way.

i was determined to forget about it all and test again in two weeks, maybe it was just too early, anyway.

two days later, sharp shooting pains crossed my lower abdomen and lower back.

more blood than i have ever experienced in a period before.

clots and tissue followed.

then, it was finished.

i was empty.

i was lightheaded, shaking.

i was numb.

why god?

somewhere along the way, while this baby was but a bud of lavender, it decided to stop growing, the cells quit splitting, my body wasn't ready, it wasn't our time----the list could go on.

just a few weeks ago i went on about how everything happens for a reason.  do i believe it?

in the throes of it, in the sadness, in the confusion of emotions, can i believe it?

can i believe something better will come even amidst grief?

i try to answer the questions. but maybe this isn't the point. maybe it is to ask the unanswerable questions...

until i am empty.

until i have nothing left to ask.

until all that is left is surrender.