lavender lately

i mull over a multitude of emotions, while driving under a blanket of stars at 3:45 am toward a  memorial service in oregon. there's a lump in my throat and tears well up in my eyes as the sun rises, a foray of pink and golden orange fire filling the otherwise clear sky. new mercies.

hesitation, shame, guilt, confusion, grief, devastation jumble around my being.

the birth of hadley

flipping through the pages of a parenting magazine, i sat waiting for my non-stress test. i was one week and a day overdue, with very little patience and a whole lot of anxiety. the day after my due date, my o.b. had said she would be surprised if i went past the weekend. and yet there i was, sitting, past the weekend on a wednesday, still very much pregnant.

laborade: a recipe

sometimes making a small change in the way we've done things before is enough to calm nerves and--praying and crossing my fingers--could even change whole situations.

i'm talking about labor. with hadley, my labor lasted ten hours, start to finish including pushing. it wasn't a horror story, it wasn't a walk in the park. however, i was induced and i still carry guilt with me for that. i had an epidural and i still carry guilt for that as well. i'll share a more detailed version of her birth soon, but in the meantime i wanted to share this recipe i've been working on.

12/52

11/52

the softest robe by shop pink blush

the story of hadley, part two: pregnant at the altar

my nerves ran wild.

it took everything in me to breathe slowly, let alone attempt to calm myself down.

as i wrapped my arm through my father's, tears began filling my eyes.

i can't do this, dad, i cannot do this.

you'll be fine, he patted my hand and choked back tears of his own.

we rounded the corner and paused at the beginning of the aisle.

first my mother stood, and then the rest of the crowd.

that's when i lost it.