tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29102768959148825172024-02-20T13:38:46.307-08:00the landrus diariesseeking shalom in all thingsmelissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-88874249344516103212019-05-10T16:00:00.003-07:002019-05-10T16:01:46.068-07:00let's talk screentime<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As a parent, it seems there will always be subjects of controversy. Or maybe this is just a human issue? Either way, from the absolute get-go, when choosing to either breastfeed or bottle feed, it seems that mothers in particular get a tremendous amount of flack for the choices we make (or do not make). </div>
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It's difficult to hold strong and fast to those choices, especially in light of the digital age, with opinions and ideas flying fast this way and that--some people being incredibly vocal and unforgiving when they respond to your choice.</div>
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Sometimes it seems it would be easier to quietly make the choices--wincingly--then curl up in a hole hoping no one notices or gives their (unsolicited) two cents.</div>
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I find this all very silly. I shouldn't be ashamed of the choices I make for my children. The choices that I believe are best for them. Are the choices I make for my family and my kids a commentary on another's way of parenting? Absolutely not. What works for some may not work for all.</div>
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All that being said, let's talk screentime.</div>
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First of all, we do not own a television...by choice (gasp)! We sold ours Spring of 2017 just before Amelia was born and have never looked back. We have just my laptop and we love it.</div>
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Our rules with "TV" time are as follows:</div>
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Friday night is movie night! Occasionally we will do a movie or show Saturday as well. Otherwise no shows or movies during the week. </div>
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One exception to this is education. I am teaching the girls French (and simultaneously trying to learn along with them) and we utilize programs such as <a href="https://www.amazon.com/s?k=french+little+pim&ref=nb_sb_noss_2" target="_blank">Little Pim</a> to practice once or twice a week. Another exception is <a href="https://www.cosmickids.com/" target="_blank">Cosmic Kids Yoga</a> which we try to use practice once a week, as well. The last exception to this rule is sick days. I try my best to focus on art and reading when we are stuck inside and not feeling so well, but after I have exhausted those options or if I am just not feeling hot, yes of course we will throw on a calm show.</div>
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If we are going to utilize shows on sick days or on the weekend, they must be calming. The whole premise behind screen time for us is almost a substitute for rest. So, for us this means no over-stimulation, fast movements, violence, sass, bad behavior or trivial content. There must always be purpose behind the shows or movies that we watch in our home. </div>
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The reasons for these rules? Keeping the screen time a rare event and something to look forward to is more special and intentional as opposed to something to be lost in daily. It breeds creativity and rhythm without our activities and home.</div>
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The reason for no TV? We want people to be the focus of our home. We want community and conversation to be the focus of our living space. When people come in rather than a television being present it is a place to foster relationships without distraction or temptation. </div>
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What about tablets or games on the screen? As of now, in our house, the age of 4 and 2 is absolutely too young to be able to control themselves with handheld technology, even with us monitoring. However, I am well aware and completely agree that technology is going to be a part of their future and that being said we will slowly and thoughtfully have to introduce to them in increments. </div>
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Over and over I have been asked (and/or scolded) if I am worried that I am being too strict. In all seriousness I am more worried about preserving their creativity and childhood and love of outdoors rather than them being fussy, addicted, lazy and mindless.</div>
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Most importantly, with any path you choose with children and technology, is this: mindfulness. Teaching your children to be aware of how shows and movies and screen time makes them feel. How it makes them feel when time is up, or when you take the device (whatever it may be) away. For them to grasp how it is affecting them at a young age, I believe, is what will be the ultimate difference between future mindless consumers or masters of intentional living.</div>
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melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-87464485970970226492018-12-17T13:53:00.001-08:002019-02-15T16:06:35.012-08:00being and longing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>the word 'belonging' holds together the two fundamental aspects of life: </i></div>
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<i><i>Being and Longing; the longing of our Being and the being of our Longing...</i></i></div>
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<i><i>-john o'donohue</i></i></div>
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belonging...embracing... sternum-wide-open-wrapping ribs-hearts-touching-we are one, embrace.</div>
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we sit there longing to be. just ourselves. we sit there, being, hoping someone else is longing for us. it's the most treasured feeling. the most sought after, the one people wait years for, cry tears for, pray their hearts out for. </div>
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and here we have it. right here, the four of us. we cuddle up in the bed, darkness all around, squishing nose to cheek, whispering i love you's, and knowing--yes, these are our people.</div>
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not everyone has it--the closeness, the touch, the warm embrace, family.</div>
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yet--</div>
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i believe belonging extends further. past kin, family, lovers.</div>
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to long to belong is to be human.</div>
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and how could--how can--we turn a blind eye to that. </div>
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we all came from the womb. snuggled tight, woven together, deep in the nest of our mother. we were created in that. we were made to yearn for that. </div>
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a few weeks past i was out with a friend. we left the liquor bar and walked out into the chill of the night, just two women out late downtown. we had every reason to fear as the man dressed in ragged outerwear, carrying an overstuffed pack approached us.... </div>
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or did we?</div>
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my friend dug around for a dollar and handed it to him, i--as i don't carry cash--had nothing to give. and i have to admit, i was relieved--relieved not to assist him...because of my own assumptions. my assumptions that he would use that money for something he shouldn't, something i deemed he shouldn't. </div>
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so i felt relief.</div>
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and as i stood there in that feeling and he began to hobble off, my friend turned to me saying, </div>
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<i>he's just like us.</i></div>
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which made me think--</div>
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what if we dug down deep enough to find what it means to be human...and acknowledged and empathized that within the people all around--</div>
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the one that frustrates you, the one who posts their political views in a way that makes you cringe, the ones on the side of the road with a sign reading 'anything helps,' the ones seeking asylum, the ones whose lifestyle somehow 'offends' you, the children waiting to be adopted, the women walking into planned parenthood, the kid sitting alone at the lunch table, the parent you haven't talked to in years...</div>
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h u m a n .</div>
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longing and being. seeking to belong.</div>
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all of us. </div>
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so what if today we dug down and saw that side of our fellow humans?</div>
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what if we sought to welcome, to include, despite what may happen...</div>
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to lay down our life in order for the other to belong.</div>
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sound familiar?</div>
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<span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://www.katskyephoto.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk0RTcoqHmIvxnt5AT8moiQZ4fBQhJ_CfKCq56wkCij5du8J34UAjpTu08wF_Sz_WUrimoShDTToW-g2BqLTTzajrDH7lrNv1hNNxmClGb7pX7Yy_DBNrdUlkFllrgjxtgGgCj55io3BI/s640/IMG_8035.jpg" width="426" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://www.katskyephoto.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixwcmAJpN95DJk2eZD_CPSv3ytMuAkVjPH14Wc4ggeSkM6ASTym0mwSAWDm1kDWDCqHSlqepPNXZeAvrw32w09_Uf5-PcwGennNpAf_tzQ8BA3I-YpeKfNg6Gjs6PhlPNgQzihcwllkvs/s640/IMG_8078.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://www.katskyephoto.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="http://www.katskyephoto.com/" border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIA3Tz4pJ_bg439N59wlk_9XzS3GGsVNBRSj_s34Frvp8P-co57pNc3B2ReDtD0RMRJzwYFwvcwp9E_xzuNuXNiGsHLYZCOnFNX5XLCayTXMHGddgpOgCNsdUTyrWQNm-5r7fFAt1J2aI/s640/IMG_8119.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
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beautiful, cherished photos by the amazing and wonderful <i><a href="http://www.katskyephoto.com/" target="_blank">kat sky photography</a></i></div>
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-65694733899894535612018-09-11T12:39:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:05:57.065-08:00lavender lately<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFneuuvVrjQv-VWjpo9goQLXZzkMSfxmsuF7fHvUUvrgqutYEKvMPAfVw_tOX4eZzyMNVpu8NF_oipF507vcekRih_erl1nbaMCR8O-F-Q2ZpEVH4gH39Y4juMla3uBHU_nS0CZMlQD9U/s1600/photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFneuuvVrjQv-VWjpo9goQLXZzkMSfxmsuF7fHvUUvrgqutYEKvMPAfVw_tOX4eZzyMNVpu8NF_oipF507vcekRih_erl1nbaMCR8O-F-Q2ZpEVH4gH39Y4juMla3uBHU_nS0CZMlQD9U/s640/photo.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
i mull over a multitude of emotions, while driving under a blanket of stars at 3:45 am toward a memorial service in oregon. there's a lump in my throat and tears well up in my eyes as the sun rises, a foray of pink and golden orange fire filling the otherwise clear sky. new mercies.<br />
<br />
hesitation, shame, guilt, confusion, grief, devastation jumble around my being.<br />
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i recently shared on <i><a href="https://www.instagram.com/melissalandrus/" target="_blank">instagram</a></i> that david lost his job earlier this summer. as per his letter of termination, insurance would continue to cover us through the end of that month...well it just so happens they aply chose to fire him the last day of july. how very thoughtful.<br />
<br />
a few weeks later, he was still unemployed (however, rumors of job offers floated around without anything being officially offered) and we were still uninsured. i began to feel...off.<br />
<br />
my time of the month drew near and i had an inkling everything was, in fact, not normal, just as i have twice before in the last four years. two days passed after my missed period. then three...and five. on the sixth day, the faintest of plus signs formed. i blinked, stared, questioned whether i was seeing things.<br />
<br />
three more positives followed over the next week.<br />
<br />
giddily, i confided in a few friends, possibly--no definitely--more than i have ought to. <i>we weren't even trying</i>, i told them.<br />
<br />
despite the fact that, quite frankly, we were trying to avoid this until the next year, we readily grasped onto this new reality...envisioning life outnumbered by children. chaotic, overflowing joy. names were exchanged. talks of mini vans, shared birthday parties and cloth diapering abounded.<br />
<br />
i downloaded the pregnancy app that i have always used and began entering all my information.<br />
<br />
<i>your baby is the size of a lavender bud</i>, it read one morning.<br />
<br />
lavender--delicate, precious, fragrant even dried, symbolizing grace.<br />
<br />
being that i am an avid pee-on-a-stick-addict, of course, i kept testing...<br />
<br />
negative.<br />
<br />
then negative again.<br />
<br />
<i>what in the world?</i> i thought as my symptoms simultaneously began to die down as well.<br />
<br />
frantic, i googled.<br />
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ovarian cancer?!<br />
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<i>calm down, </i>david told me later that night. <i>quit testing so much! you're fine.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
but i knew something was not right.<br />
<br />
being that we still were without insurance, i made an appointment at a free clinic for the next evening.<br />
<br />
after giving them more than enough information, i peed in the cup and passed it through the hole in the wall.<br />
<br />
<i>i'm so sorry</i>, the nurse came back,<i> it's negative.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
how was this possible? after four positive pregnancy tests?<br />
<br />
<i>you may be about to miscarriage. </i><br />
<br />
a punch. in. the. freaking. gut.<br />
<br />
the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. i wouldn't let it. after two healthy pregnancies and births, no way.<br />
<br />
i was determined to forget about it all and test again in two weeks, maybe it was just too early, anyway.<br />
<br />
two days later, sharp shooting pains crossed my lower abdomen and lower back.<br />
<br />
more blood than i have ever experienced in a period before.<br />
<br />
clots and tissue followed.<br />
<br />
then, it was finished.<br />
<br />
i was empty.<br />
<br />
i was lightheaded, shaking.<br />
<br />
i was numb.<br />
<br />
<i>why god?</i><br />
<br />
somewhere along the way, while this baby was but a bud of lavender, it decided to stop growing, the cells quit splitting, my body wasn't ready, it wasn't our time----the list could go on.<br />
<br />
just a few weeks ago i went on about <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BnUM7HRnVHP/?taken-by=melissalandrus" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">how everything happens for a reason. </a> do i believe it?<br />
<br />
in the throes of it, in the sadness, in the confusion of emotions, can i believe it?<br />
<br />
can i believe something better will come even amidst grief?<br />
<br />
i try to answer the questions. but maybe this isn't the point. maybe it is to ask the unanswerable questions...<br />
<br />
until i am empty.<br />
<br />
until i have nothing left to ask.<br />
<br />
until all that is left is surrender.melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-49566321728232283342018-03-21T16:16:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:05:49.987-08:00today's treasuresa few simple things that brightened my day, and then some...<br />
<br />
1. a nature bundle<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrp7Kx38LgSF0QMwNuUCNWwdsIoUuWLFmjqalyhJU3jRTdLZwhyphenhyphenC0sG_03ac0oJf_XJCj4tQUzEJfDGDpiq8BeWdUrNFlv4dm2NZwSaoFLQAv9F_r80wSmAOcN9_8QxOO-yYdxhA-3Jhk/s1600/image1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrp7Kx38LgSF0QMwNuUCNWwdsIoUuWLFmjqalyhJU3jRTdLZwhyphenhyphenC0sG_03ac0oJf_XJCj4tQUzEJfDGDpiq8BeWdUrNFlv4dm2NZwSaoFLQAv9F_r80wSmAOcN9_8QxOO-yYdxhA-3Jhk/s640/image1.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
{and the little girl who handed it to me, on our adventure walk}<br />
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2. this stack of piano books, yet to be sorted<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBx8zFBQdFo185vNpKyDlVbJ6YsjEs5Yce0NwCv_EVjyD_cVNpFPAHBcSX7hjfEALEwOjCzyWOlZbsggJ_wavKydEO8EJltGao93h_9bo_imPhJzTw2JIUlhLzwdOoR_M7Mo_Hkxe6smU/s1600/image4.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBx8zFBQdFo185vNpKyDlVbJ6YsjEs5Yce0NwCv_EVjyD_cVNpFPAHBcSX7hjfEALEwOjCzyWOlZbsggJ_wavKydEO8EJltGao93h_9bo_imPhJzTw2JIUlhLzwdOoR_M7Mo_Hkxe6smU/s640/image4.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
{and the years of memories, to boot}<br />
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3. <u><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/peonypapeterie?ref=l2-shop-header-avatar" target="_blank">my new calendar</a></u><br />
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<u><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_JCu03MTPdpNmQGnjDla6H6iiMb4yrzX57aY7WXifsHY4-MYtFBYOjZKjWvMVFJ5s0GerU9u_UKj0r-_2gcN7SQRN7SBxwmXEfAgFOn5-rHZvn0kiWsS5puADxl2Ncvji1kQcEToiY_k/s1600/image3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_JCu03MTPdpNmQGnjDla6H6iiMb4yrzX57aY7WXifsHY4-MYtFBYOjZKjWvMVFJ5s0GerU9u_UKj0r-_2gcN7SQRN7SBxwmXEfAgFOn5-rHZvn0kiWsS5puADxl2Ncvji1kQcEToiY_k/s640/image3.jpeg" width="640" /></a></u></div>
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{hung two months later, naturally}<br />
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4. tiny potted succulents<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfowryCVv111MmFPgG31pTSjN_s26KgyzLu7QKuMyrCXl8asRyiG9v66xpqQ4nqX79kRDHRbnhnJh-V6ARAMKqR3Skyv9ldJBzXsDcWTH-lth9lhndwDDXmIyYglwUZNfvr_wu7Dr9OFE/s1600/image2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfowryCVv111MmFPgG31pTSjN_s26KgyzLu7QKuMyrCXl8asRyiG9v66xpqQ4nqX79kRDHRbnhnJh-V6ARAMKqR3Skyv9ldJBzXsDcWTH-lth9lhndwDDXmIyYglwUZNfvr_wu7Dr9OFE/s640/image2.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
{from good ol' trader joes}<br />
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5. a little girl, cleaning<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBxsY8AXs9ItXA4jL3neJBHjCXS1MIM4-3LXjCTH8EuqgvaA7sUJn8CiMxibGSbOlzZxVZWHqEzryZnacb8RcLBSmuJz1nN6kkvLCzJjLerh1HU6aRGn_81M0-aosuqgLLycCYJhdKF44/s1600/image5.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBxsY8AXs9ItXA4jL3neJBHjCXS1MIM4-3LXjCTH8EuqgvaA7sUJn8CiMxibGSbOlzZxVZWHqEzryZnacb8RcLBSmuJz1nN6kkvLCzJjLerh1HU6aRGn_81M0-aosuqgLLycCYJhdKF44/s640/image5.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
{her eagerness to help}<br />
<br />
other things:<br />
<br />
<u><i><a href="https://realtinytrumpet.com/2018/03/13/karmacycle-the-story-of-a-stolen-bike-an-art-dealer-and-a-sign/" target="_blank">the karmacycle.</a></i></u><br />
<u><br /></u>
<u><i><a href="http://www.thestreetstore.org/" target="_blank">clothing, hung.</a></i></u><br />
<u><br /></u>
<u><i><a href="https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/01/26/opinion/sunday/cancer-what-to-say.html" target="_blank">you are loved, you are loved, you are loved.</a></i></u><br />
<u><br /></u>
<u><br /></u>
melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-33993547440827461382018-03-19T14:30:00.004-07:002019-02-15T16:05:41.163-08:0012/52alright. so this time i won't be too hard on myself should i not make it the full year. because, well, as we know--life happens and it's been a bit since <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/09/3752.html" target="_blank">i last did this</a></i>...and really this is much more for my own memories than anything else. thus, without further ado...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOUishA7U5_u1mqan_aGlmaBgJrxg4Bh8DflBaa4Ri8eHTheIcWsS0Ix1v54QoIgESZDyjHjFnoa9mGq-9fmSFPRlC5qSkY3zd_I1lfgD-CUi4zbLY8cG2ewLz2wzC9onjmzdBJod9_I/s1600/vsco-photo-1+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOUishA7U5_u1mqan_aGlmaBgJrxg4Bh8DflBaa4Ri8eHTheIcWsS0Ix1v54QoIgESZDyjHjFnoa9mGq-9fmSFPRlC5qSkY3zd_I1lfgD-CUi4zbLY8cG2ewLz2wzC9onjmzdBJod9_I/s640/vsco-photo-1+%25281%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT3TAPD0ztfb5oInq9vBFgEp51PMEJ-FWirFdGoPf6q906jA8XvAtMV_fbP9fIyDHIlYupfx3XXGKVXAXaJautnHKv7zjsSiFsyBmfxEGXOxv0_THRmS0VlD8mdQH4hxpS7VhwcZkVeUk/s1600/vsco-photo-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT3TAPD0ztfb5oInq9vBFgEp51PMEJ-FWirFdGoPf6q906jA8XvAtMV_fbP9fIyDHIlYupfx3XXGKVXAXaJautnHKv7zjsSiFsyBmfxEGXOxv0_THRmS0VlD8mdQH4hxpS7VhwcZkVeUk/s640/vsco-photo-2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i>[a portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2018]</i></div>
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hadley: a blur. life with her truly is a blur. for she is most often running about to and fro and growing far too fast. death is quite common a subject these days since my parents' dog passed a few months back, which really makes us stop and think about the big things. bedtime with her is my favorite, as her routine looks so similar to mine growing up...backrubs, snuggles, singing and prayers, the most precious moments i never want to let go. potty training is in full swing, as we are try absolutely every tactic to get her to sit on the big ol' porcelain throne. i mean, i knew it wouldn't be easy, but goodness she is quickly rounding the corner to age three and gosh darnit she will--she must--be potty trained!</div>
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amelia: sweet, stubborn, independent amelia. does not sleep. i could leave it at that, as i bring my yeti-full of coffee up to my lips once again, but she is so much more, of course. this girl adores her older sister, causing david and i's hearts to swell, burst. teething is so so hard, but this is only a season. no sleep is only a season. this will all pass far too soon, so i cling and i remind myself in the moments where they are both screaming those bloodcurdling shrills, <i> one day, i will dearly miss this.</i></div>
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melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-4804654085135246602018-03-13T18:20:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:05:30.835-08:00i'm no gymnast<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8HYHIOdF2k2wfvbJpZTRe-19HJwka8aGQtZmkGaFT7BsN7PbfbHKUwZkisQv1R6WcxECDrqDl5zi9HrNsq54-9eXS170T6CPoVIc6OzDnYMVGId2o0G69XVqZeCoazJA3L_N1CM_m240/s1600/vsco-photo-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8HYHIOdF2k2wfvbJpZTRe-19HJwka8aGQtZmkGaFT7BsN7PbfbHKUwZkisQv1R6WcxECDrqDl5zi9HrNsq54-9eXS170T6CPoVIc6OzDnYMVGId2o0G69XVqZeCoazJA3L_N1CM_m240/s640/vsco-photo-1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
it's curious...even when i <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2018/01/it-feels-good.html" target="_blank">sit there listing the good things</a></i>, i end up finding something contrary about it all. the words i select, the tone in my voice, there is always bits of bitterness welling up and overflowing, even into the sweetest of things.<br />
<br />
seeing the world 'a glass half full' doesn't seem to come naturally for me. perhaps i am jaded? undoubtedly, there was once a time where i saw goodness, blessing, positivity everywhere...inside every nook, every soul, around every corner. i saw it without trying, without searching. effortlessly, i happened upon it--rather, it happened upon me.<br />
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now i lift up rocks and cushions, shake out blankets and towels, stare a little longer, listen a little harder, hoping to find the glimmer in the dust...the magic in the mundane.<br />
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and i list.<br />
<br />
<i>sun shadows dancing on the wall opposite our bed while the girls nap</i><br />
<i>walking under the bluest of sky on a warmer-winter-might-as-well-be-spring day</i><br />
<i>knocking on a neighbor's door to say hello</i><br />
<i>birds, chirping, ushering--beckoning--the new season</i><br />
<br />
yet i am so tempted to flounder, stubbornly fixating on the shower we don't have, the tub that still leaks, the stove (while <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2018/01/when-theres-stove-in-your-living-room.html" target="_blank">not sitting in the living room any longer</a></i>) dormant in the kitchen, the search for community, struggles in marriage, <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/09/more-than-mother.html" target="_blank">losing my identity in motherhood.</a></i>..<br />
<br />
could i just possibly be only auspicious? could i say anything with less than a trace of the muddiness of my soul?<br />
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there is a balance i am searching for, albeit slowly, while on the search for the good things. the balance of acknowledging struggle, being vulnerable and transparent in that, and simultaneously not letting that struggle muddle away the sweet nectars of life.<br />
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and for me, achieving this balance--this harmony within myself--is quite challenging. and yet, this tug and pull, this ebb and flow, isn't that life? for so long it seems that i have been trying to fight it. even as i type these words oceans' tides are rising, falling. imagine, if the surfers didn't give in and ride the waves? if instead tried to go against them, battle them?<br />
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it has already been four weeks since i have <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2018/02/fourty-six-days.html" target="_blank">gone without social media</a></i>. four of the most refreshing weeks i have had in quite a long while. four weeks i have felt more present, less comparing, more in tune, less anxious.<br />
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four weeks in which i am beginning to understand embracing the whole self, the whole of life. that we must fall in and let it carry us, trust the current, trust the story.<br />
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the messiness, the muck, the magic, the parts of myself i am even still learning to love--it is all good, it is all beauty.<br />
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riding a wave can feel terrifying. it may feel as if you are done for.<br />
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but standing on the beach with the sand between your toes looking back out as the tides rise, crash and slip out to sea once more--at least for me, i cannot help but stop and gaze, captivated by mystery, wonder...<br />
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and i think it's just like life, just like you and like me. it comes in waves. we can sit there trying to fight it, frustratingly fighting ourselves. or we can dive in, ride it, dance with it, scary as it may be--but all the while sit back in wonder, delighting at the beauty and mystery of this magnificent journey we are all on.melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-28177095504348289172018-02-13T15:46:00.001-08:002019-02-15T16:05:21.283-08:00fourty six days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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giving this plant a good dusting as the light pours into our unfinished kitchen is all too fitting this morning.<br />
<br />
my heart aches for rest, for revitalization. there are nooks and the smallest crannies that have yearned to be fed for some time. but they have lost to social media--both <i><a href="https://www.instagram.com/melissalandrus/" target="_blank">instagram</a></i> and facebook alike.<br />
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instagram--the app that has been such an immense blessing in my life as i have searched for community, providing me solidarity, with kin mothers who are wrestling and needed someone--as i did--to place a proverbial hand on the shoulder and say <i>me too</i>. the app that has handed me beautiful in-real-life friendships that i would have otherwise not met.<br />
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the app that has tore me down more than i could have imagined as i received hateful message after hateful message for some odd reason, during a period of time last year. the app that has ushered my heart into coveting and greed as it has done so many others who use it. the app that has become an utter advertisement where real, candid, beautiful life used to be displayed. the app that has us addicted to scrolling--facebook taking a close second in this--taking our time away from the people around that matter most.<br />
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i truly believe it is what you make it. it's what you put it. it's how you want to use it. it's your own heart issue. yes. yes. one thousand yeses. and i am here saying that my heart is grieving.<br />
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oh it's grieving.<br />
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it's grieving the times i have sat staring at this little 2.5 by 5 inch screen rather than partaking in play with my girls, the girls who will only be young for so long. it is grieving the rocks i have thrown into my husband and i's relationship as i have let comparison win--steal my joy.<br />
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what am i teaching my daughters? what am i brooding within myself? who do i ultimately want to be?<br />
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i want to be without ulterior motives: a woman of candor; i want to be present; i want to believe and radiate and preach people over things, experiences over money, time spent in real life over online.<br />
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thus after much deliberating...i have decided to part with both instagram and facebook for the next 46 days, and to instead fill my days with life and abundance and joy-bringing things. to taste and see and really truly find what it means to just <i>be.</i><br />
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i will still post here from time to time, as writing and sharing is sincerely life-giving deep into my soul. and you can bet i'll write a bit about my journey on detoxing from social media.<br />
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so here goes nothin'!<br />
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-540334376905399482018-01-19T15:06:00.000-08:002019-02-15T16:05:10.911-08:00it feels good<i>i am blessed, i am blessed, i am blessed</i>, i remind myself as the warmth of the sun brushes against my skin, kissing the girls' cheeks as they play peek-a-boo. behind me sits a bag of grout, another of cement, and nine boxes of yet-to-be-laid tile. this may just be the first moment i have allowed myself to admit this, the light pouring into the room still, blessing.<br />
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why is it hard to count them? the good things? david could tell you so so quickly it's not my strong suit. i stir and i wallow and i sulk far too often. it feels good to let the bitterness brew. it feels good to let the anger simmer a bit.<br />
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but for a moment--this moment, my sun-moment--i let go.<br />
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exhaling the anxiety and frustration, the <i>why me</i>'s and the desire to give up, i surrender.<br />
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and i begin to count.<br />
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<i>the flush of amelia's cheeks as she fell asleep in my arms but ten minutes ago</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>the whisper and giggles of hadley playing pretend when she should be falling asleep as well</i><br />
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<i>laundry piles on the couch--from our very own washer and dryer</i><br />
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<i>the sun now playing peek-a-boo behind the clouds; the knowledge it won't be gone forever</i><br />
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just four little reasons to keep going, four more than none.<br />
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and as much as stewing in my anger gives me a good thrill, this feels good too.<br />
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<i><br /></i>melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-28643607558088102412018-01-18T11:27:00.000-08:002019-02-15T16:05:02.959-08:00do you ache?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i have this dream, although it didn't feel like a dream at the time...more a not so distant memory. because, in fact, it's incredibly vivid. there was a summer--about five years ago--that i spent at a camp on a lake singing. and i had always loved singing. call it a childhood fantasy, i remember longing to be a singer when i got older, amongst other things of course--ice skater, detective, astronaut, lawyer--but singer was always there, lingering.<br />
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and that summer, my passion for singing--for leading worship to be precise--exploded.<br />
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so much so that i began considering not attending university the next fall...tempted to apply to this worship school i was told i should go to time and time again. and it was odd. so many people that summer, in various circumstances brought up this school. or was it odd? was it divine? was it where i should have gone? was it what i was meant to do?<br />
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instead i did the proper thing, the 'right' thing, the thing my parents insisted i do--finish my degree. i rolled my eyes and agreed, telling myself there would always be time to pursue this, this calling--as i truly felt it was.<br />
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flash forward four and half years later.. i sit here. that childhood fantasy, that dream, that calling, that passion lingers even still. like a steady pulse. a throb of some sort. an ache. ohh i ache.<br />
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do you ache? do you long for something so deeply, so fiercely, so tenderly, as i?<br />
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is there something deep down you have always yearned for but never went after? something that no matter how hard you try to stuff down and turn your head away from, keeps tip-toeing its way back to your heart?<br />
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what do we do about this sort of thing? because even now as i long and dream and wish and hope...fear comes along. it tells me it's too late. it tells me there was a reason i never made the worship team in college...and i stuff down my ache once more.<br />
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-22766620359156864972018-01-17T15:59:00.001-08:002019-02-15T16:04:55.719-08:00when there's a stove in your living room<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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...and a garbage can to boot. when you were supposed to be moved in before christmas--december the seventeenth to be exact--and you want to pretend that you are alright, that everything is going to be fine. but nothing has a place. and, quite frankly, order and control are the things you cling to, with the tightest of fists.<br />
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panic and anxiety creep into the deepest caverns of your heart and take root--deep, tangly, webbed roots. and you become bitter and somehow angry at the partner holding your hand through it, standing by you, ripping out the cabinets he wanted to keep, but--in fact--he loves you more than those cabinets, so there they go out the door.<br />
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impatience is your dearest friend. and this well of emotions is-was-has been bubbling up...and you cannot keep calm, you cannot hold back the flurry of frustrations any longer.<br />
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just look at that stove. that stove you found on craigslist--well, your husband did. and the moment the both of you laid eyes on it--through the pixelated screen of your macbook pro--you looked at each other and knew, so you drove across the state the next weekend and picked it up.<br />
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and look at the rug--currently covered in blocks and tiny tights and costco diaper wipes..the rug that has already made the coziest of seating for friends from out of town--in from the cold, armed with a giant box of thai food and a bottle of wine. the rug that your daughters have laughed and hugged and dropped banana on. the rug you shared a costco sized veggie pizza with david when your girls were asleep, just the two of you.<br />
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breathe.<br />
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there will be memories made when you move in. and you will be moving in sooner than you know.<br />
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don't miss out on the 'right-before-your-eyes' memories. the joy happening today.<br />
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be grateful, give thanks, count your blessings.<br />
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-84980664965578765772017-10-04T16:27:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:04:05.417-08:00hands + feetit's the topic of almost every discussion, facebook thread, instagram post, news story this week...what happened in vegas. i wanted to keep my mouth shut for fear of man. i wanted to leave the opinions to facebook repostings and brief instagram captions...but i cannot.<br />
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i cannot continue to sit back and watch each passing 'pray for vegas' picture and pretend like it's ok.</div>
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i cannot continue to watch government officials all around the states tweet out 'thoughts and prayers' and pretend like it's ok.<br />
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i cannot continue to watch fellow claimed followers of christ bring up abortion while we're talking about combat weapon laws and pretend like it's ok, that one life is more important than another.</div>
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i am crippled with thoughts. i am flooded with prayers for this country, the city of vegas, the president, everyone involved in the mandalay bay shooting. </div>
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i am praying and thinking. and it's not wrong. prayers, thoughts, they're not bad. we should be thinking about this. we should be talking about it. we should be praying.</div>
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but i am convinced that it's not enough.</div>
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i am convicted by the words of jesus, <i>by their fruits you will know them</i> in matthew and the words of james, <i>prove yourself doers of the word.</i></div>
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and this gold nugget in first john: <i>by this we know what love is: jesus laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. if anyone with earthly possessions sees his brother in need, but withholds his compassion from him, how can the love of god abide in him? little children, let us love not in word and speech but in action and truth. </i></div>
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if we have no deeds, all of our talk is meaningless. </div>
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my friends, we are the body. christ is in you. we pray for blessing, we pray for mercy, we pray for compassion and action, yet we have the eyes to see compassionately. we have the feet to go, the hands to bless and do good. we pray for miracles and surely enough jesus himself says, <i>whoever believes in me will do the works i am doing, he will do even greater things.</i></div>
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he has no body now, but yours. we are his hands, his feet.</div>
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we are called to action.</div>
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if you are overwhelmed with what to do or where to start:</div>
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<ul>
<li><i><a href="https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials" target="_blank">contact your member of congress</a></i> to demand action and prevent the next shooting</li>
<li>likewise, click the link above once more to contact a congress member to demand action to increase and improve access to mental healthcare</li>
<li>get serious about your self-care routine and encourage others to do the same</li>
<li>focus on acts of kindness--work at the nearest homeless shelter or food bank, donate to <i><a href="https://www.unicefusa.org/donate/disaster-relief-help-protect-children-harm/32787" target="_blank">puerto rico</a></i> or <i><a href="https://www.donaunicef.org.mx/landing-terremoto/?utm_source=mpr_redes&utm_campaign=tw-terremoto&utm_medium=tw&utm_content=tw-org&utm_term=tw-org" target="_blank">mexico city</a></i>, rake the leaves in your neighbors yard</li>
<li>as a parent, show your children what kindness and loving everyone looks like</li>
</ul>
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lastly, don't give up. be outraged. be devastated. but this is not the end. </div>
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<i>in trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. in this world you will continue to experience difficulties. but take heart! i have overcome the world! -</i>john 16:33</div>
melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-30222110817052511652017-09-21T14:49:00.001-07:002019-02-15T16:03:54.684-08:00three times over<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">it's been three years. september 21, 2014 my best friend, soulmate, the love of my life asked me to marry him.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">and here we are married, with two daughters now happy as clams, simple as that! the end.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">not exactly.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">it's so easy for me to say that david is the best thing to ever happen to me. because it's true. i don't know where i'd be if he hadn't pursued me faithfully, unconditionally. he stood by me in my darkest moments. god truly knew (ha, obviously) what he was doing, when he created david.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">as a little girl, you can't help but at least wonder. who will it be? when will it be? will it be like the movies? a fairy tale?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">even as a 20-something girl, i still had expectations (unspoken and spoken might I add, but more on that in a later post).</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i woke up a three years ago today feeling a bit queasy, took some vitamins, put on my black dress, tights and boots (all black errything) to go to church. david drove over to pick me up to take me to moscow. while lacing up my doc martens, i said i felt like i might throw up.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we began walking out the door and i turned into the bathroom and started to vomit.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">morning sickness.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">every time i get sick, tears stream down my face. every. single. time.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">not 'crying tears', but just tears, you know?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i really started crying, though, when i saw my reflection in the mirror, traces of mascara running down my cheeks.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>i just did my makeup!</i> i quickly wiped off the trails of freckled-skin and black tears, reapplied some foundation and ran out the door.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i hate being late.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">and yet we were. we walked into the service at trinity reformed and i felt like everyone was watching us, scolding us with their looks (have i mentioned that before we announced i was pregnant, i was more insecure than i ever had been?).</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">after church we drove straight to spokane -- we were planning to see andrew belle at the bartlett that evening.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we needed to make a quick costco run, so we borrowed david's parents' card (hashtag broke college kids).</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">when we went to their house however we ended up in a deep conversation about family and david wound up in tears (and obviously i began to cry again as well, because when your man cries, you can't help it, right?)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">our quick stop turned into almost two hours of working through some very hard things.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">finally we were on our way. we stopped at costco for our three things (yeah we were those people), and headed out to coeur d'alene for a picnic in the park.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we laid out a blanket and had some cheese, crackers and meats. i was depleated--of energy, of emotions--so laying down in the grass in cool shade was marvelous. however right after laying down david took off to the restroom, and i started realizing how hot it was --remember i was in all black.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">david came back after ten minutes and told me we had to leave in five because he made dinner reservations and we needed to get his parents' costco card back to them first.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">the anger boiled up within me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>are you kidding? we just got here! you've been gone this whole time. i thought this was supposed to be relaxing?!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">he apologized telling me he didn't think we would have been at his parents' that long.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">at this point i was hot, tired (very bothered) and i just did not feel good.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>fine. </i>we put everything back in the car and i was sliding into my seat, when david said we should walk over to this bridge that goes over part of the lake.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>but you just said we had to leave...?</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">frustrated was an understatement. i rolled my eyes and walked out on to the dock up the twirly stairs and out on the middle of the bridge.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i turned around and said <i>alright, it's a lake, can we go now?</i>(goodness, miss sassypants)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i then noticed he was down on one knee.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">my heart raced.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">tears welled up in my eyes (again!) and a lump formed in my throat.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>melissa..</i> he started and i interrupted him:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>is this a joke!?</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">he informed me that it was not and that he indeed was asking me to marry him.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">this moment was one i imagined my whole life.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">would there be fireworks? was there going to be a party with our families and friends afterwards? this was the moment where the guy did a whole monologue at least three minutes long about how much he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">none of it happened.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">in fact when he asked, i quickly said yes and told him to get up and started walking down onto the dock once more.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">people were coming, they would see.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i didn't want to make a scene...because, we didn't deserve it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i tried so so hard to hold back tears.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">tears full of years and years of guilt, shame, deception, hurt and failure.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we were pregnant.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>this isn't a choice. he feels like he has to marry me,</i> I thought.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">instead of sharing my heart and how i was having a hard time we got back in the car in silence and i handed him the ring back.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>here. i don't want it.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">now the tension was so incredibly thick and i felt like i was going to throw up again from all of these lies that this voice was telling me inside my head.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we drove and drove and drove in silence. until i couldn't take it anymore.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i was a mess, snot and salty tears rolling down my cheeks and lips. i was hysterical.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">abruptly, david pulled over to the side of the freeway. silence.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">he grabbed his phone, turned on <i>t<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW-VoFy49q0" target="_blank">o whom it may concern by the civil wars</a></i> and began to read:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>eagerly anticipating the arrival of someone very dear. missing someone you haven’t met yet. someone you want to share all your inner most thoughts with. this can look very different for different people. for simeon it was waiting to see the promised child. for the disciples and all the saints who have known jesus intimately it was to be reunited with their friend and savior. for me, it is the eager anticipation to meet my wife. i believe this sense of longing comes from a desire that god has placed in us to be deeply known.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>that being said, love is patient and long suffering, which at its deepest resembles christ’s desire to draw us all near to him. but he waits patiently until we answer the call of his still small voice with our whole hearts.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>genesis 2:18</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>then the lord god said, “it is not good that the man should be alone; i will make him a helper fit for him.”</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>what god has created in the dichotomy of male and female is utterly beautiful. one the pursuer the other the pursued. and i mean pursue in the most beautiful sense of the word. to passionately, thoughtfully, selflessly and lovingly chase after something that is beautiful beyond compare. frustration naturally ensues. how is a man to pursue? how is a woman to wait? these questions are difficult and rely on a whole hearted pursuit of God to be answered.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>so for now, waiting patiently and having an ear that eagerly waits to hear from god is all one can do. i could say more, but i think that the words that i long to express are meant for my god and my wife, and it is my prayer that they honor and deeply bless both one day and everyday that i draw breath on this beautiful planet that god has created.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>i wrote this about you melissa. before i knew you. two years ago.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">he began to cry. i cried more. he asked me once again, and I said yes.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">the details of the rest of the night are fuzzy to me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">i said some truly hurtful things-- he took the ring back.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we cancelled reservations to dinner and drove in silence--again-- to the concert.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we sat in the parking lot of the bartlett for the entire opener--I don't even know who opened for andrew that night.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">prayers. more tears. more heart sharing. and more prayer.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">right before we got out of the car. he asked one more time.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">three times he asked. and I said yes.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we walked in on Andrew's set. he had already started.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">we stood at the back of the room, knowing that god had intended for all of this to happen. that he did indeed create david and i for each other. knowing that life is hard and messy and so so beautiful.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">and there we were, david was holding me in the back of the room at the bartlett on september 21 singing into my ear <i>i love you, i love you, and all of your pieces</i>. and it was perfect.</span></div>
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melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-13747327791136507662017-09-17T13:14:00.002-07:002019-02-15T16:03:42.250-08:0037/52<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMK4pFeoFr1XLu7HMUtrQfApjCWGP9rLXatRo4Bdf-sItgDmFdcA6cKM98bMYymBuPaoaeb0fyAP1kuXdVDqUpEUG84H6bnP5TIK2fIy_Biaduj5LMxEtYxahcJzlKeCCgMzTj2f0yXYc/s1600/vsco-photo-1+%252812%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMK4pFeoFr1XLu7HMUtrQfApjCWGP9rLXatRo4Bdf-sItgDmFdcA6cKM98bMYymBuPaoaeb0fyAP1kuXdVDqUpEUG84H6bnP5TIK2fIy_Biaduj5LMxEtYxahcJzlKeCCgMzTj2f0yXYc/s640/vsco-photo-1+%252812%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i>[a portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2017]</i></div>
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hadley: i have been an emotional wreck this week as i have realized just how much sweet hadley grace has grown. we scrolled through videos from this past year the other day and my heart wrenched. a tear rolled down my cheek and my breath quickened as hadley asked, <i>what's wrong mommy, are you crying?</i> <i>yes,</i> i answered. <i>you miss daddy?</i> it's such a conundrum, a paradox, motherhood. missing someone even as they sit just in front of you--or behind you, playing with your hair. i told her it was her that i missed. she didn't understand. she is thoughtful and sweet. she signs as we sing jesus loves me. when she helps put her sister down for naps or when she's playing mommy with her dolls, she tucks them in whispering, <i>sweet dreams, sleep well!</i></div>
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amelia: i feel that we are slowly but surely gaining a rhythm with our little one. for a while it felt that we were sporadically feeding, and sleeping whenever she just decided to pass out. but it truly feels like we are sinking into a cadence and boy is it lovely. being that she is the second child we don't have much one-on-one time as i did with her older sister. so when i can spare a moment or two i stare into her big blue-grey eyes, stroke her cheek and smile. we are really starting to get to know each other over here and i am falling more deeply in love with her by the day. </div>
melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-23268082383509049412017-09-06T08:32:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:03:30.218-08:0036/52<span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , "freemono" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">my my my. i knew i would do this. it's been about 24 weeks since my </span></span><i style="color: #666666; font-family: "Courier New", Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13.2px;"><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/03/1252.html" target="_blank">last portrait of the girls</a></i><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , "freemono" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">. and at that point amelia was still in utero. this little project is special to me, though, so i am going to do my darnedest to finish out the year in its entirety.</span></span></span><br />
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "courier new", courier, freemono, monospace; font-size: 13.2px;">[a portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2017]</i></div>
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hadley: shrill, top of her lungs screaming, temper-tantrums, tears from both her eyes and mine, getting down face to face, explanations of love and kindness, forgiveness, sweet hugs..the days are long but over and over i tell myself the years are short. her laughter is changing into the laughter of a little girl. it feels odd to still call her a toddler. consistently speaking in full sentences laced with sass and love and sweetness we most often forget she turned 2 but four months ago. she is curious, questioning and wandering. she is brave, asking for help then, instead, trying herself. she is spirited, full of so so many emotions. she is caring, coming to her sisters side whispering, <i>it's ok amelia.</i> she is full of awe, full of wonder--she gazes at the moon, trees, cows, dirt, rocks seeing that they are full of magic. she is a teacher, showing us to slow, be aware, see joy in all things.</div>
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amelia: our mercy girl is four months old! how did that fly by so fast? this plump little miss is talkative as ever. drooly as ever. we started this back when hadley was a little babe, but we have been calling amelia 'drooly andrews' or 'droolia child' because, well, teething is in full swing over here and shirts are soaked, fingers and arms are soaked, shoulders are soaked. anything and everything she grabs hold of is soaked. needless to say, i must purchase an amber necklace. and soon! i would have kept the one we used with hadley but unfortunately it broke and we had to toss it. there's a spark in her eyes, as she yearns to play alongside her sister. she is patient. she is content. she is our calm, our solace, a teacher of peace.</div>
melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-75822981644298659052017-09-04T20:53:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:03:04.720-08:00more than a motherplease forgive the radio silence around these parts. my goal is to be more consistent about posting in this space, but i have yet to find balance between all the ways in which i am being pulled.<br />
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mothering, keeping a home, some semblance of a social life, not to mention marriage... it's quite a load.<br />
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the mother in me is exhausted. chasing a spirited two year old--who is discovering free will, her voice and emotions--while caring for a three month old who more often than not is suckling energy from my breast, it's no easy task. don't misunderstand my words...i never thought it would be. i was not naive as we ventured into this parenting of multiples.<br />
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do i regret this--this choice of being mother? not even close. would i trade it? never. do i miss the freedom, independence, drive, hustle that used to pump through my blood, awaken my bones, motivate me to pursue my goals, hopes, dreams? daily.<br />
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for the last two and a half years, i feel that i have been settling. that i am so much more than just a mother. and yet even as i type that word right there, toward the end of the previous sentence, '<i>just</i>..' i struggle to use it. it feels as if i am perhaps dismissing the work of the mothers whom the whole of their lives longed to be exactly that. so while i do not mean to dismiss or degrade, my own spirit longs--and always has longed--for more.<br />
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for the mother in me is not the sum of who i am. i am human, mostly discovering who i have been, who i am, who i am becoming. there are parts of me hidden away yearning to be dusted off, exposed once again. the wanderer, the rebel, the seeker, the dreamer, the musician, the writer, the lover. oh how i long to tap into those parts of me, rejuvenate them. so i once again might feel whole and alive.<br />
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even so, as i ponder what that may look like--to truly revive the muted parts--doubt, guilt creep in.<br />
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<i>but what about your children?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>do you really want to neglect them?</i><br />
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<i>you are their mama, you need to raise them, not place them in the care of someone else's hands.</i><br />
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those thoughts, fears, they have run me. they have run and ruled me the last two and a half years. i have listened. i have believed them. i have believed that doing something for myself, getting back to the roots of who i am, melissa, would make me a terrible mother. that somehow hadley and amelia would feel neglected, feel that their mommy doesn't in fact care for them.<br />
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i have believed those lies. i have told myself those lies. and it wasn't until recently i truly believed that they were, in fact, just that.<br />
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lies.<br />
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yes being a mother takes sacrifice. as does all things in life. whatever you choose to prioritize, you in turn sacrifice another.<br />
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but lately i have come to truly believe--and i mean, in the deepest of my bones--that in order to be the best mother i can be--really to even mother at all--to be the best wife and human, i must fill my cup.<br />
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author karen andreola writes, <i>if there is such a thing as the joy of childhood there is also such a thing as the joy of motherhood. how wonderful when the mother can say, 'my cup runneth over,' because it will run over into the family circle. </i><br />
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thus, in order to fully cultivate the souls of my children i must must must cultivate my own soul.<br />
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because, indeed, i am mother but i am much much more.<br />
<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-59087841971553343802017-07-22T11:48:00.002-07:002019-02-15T16:02:57.004-08:00the birth of amelia<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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her due date came and went as due dates often do. and, really, we weren't shocked as <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/07/the-birth-of-hadley.html" target="_blank">hadley surpassed hers as well</a></i>, so we were expecting this little one to arrive late. the clock continued ticking, my pulse quickened and my anxiety increased as it began to seem more and more possible that these sisters could very well share a birthday.<br />
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it was a sunday, hadley's second birthday. a sweet, slow-drip of a morning spent opening a few presents, followed by a trip to the zoo. after her late nap, we ate pizza for dinner and went out for ice cream! all of that walking tired me out and i pleaded with david for a massage.<br />
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shortly after we shut our eyes for the night i exhaled with relief: our girls would not be sharing a birthday after all. in all honesty i was not too keen on the potential jealousy it could cause, since they already will be sharing so much throughout their life--toys, clothes, bedrooms--i wanted each of them to have their own special day. i prayed that they would.<br />
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thirty minutes later, the contractions began. it was just before midnight and the pain wasn't much worse than period cramps, so i decided to keep it to myself and go to sleep. i really did not want to get our hopes up as second babies seem to often tease with labor.<br />
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i woke suddenly at five am, monday morning. the contractions were still there. i waddled over to where my phone was charging and opened the contraction timer i had downloaded two weeks prior.<br />
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eight minutes apart.<br />
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david's alarm for work went off and i told him what was happening. <i>maybe you should work from home just in case. </i>i had a midwife appointment at 10:30 anyway to check how far along i was and to do a membrane sweep.<br />
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he called his boss to let him know he would either be in around noon or not at all as today just might be the day. after almost two hours of the contractions being six to eight minutes apart i took a screenshot of the timer and texted my midwife.<br />
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<i>awesome</i>, she replied<i>, i'll wear my scrubs today. stay hydrated and eat when you can!</i><br />
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we called my mom and let her know what was happening, as well as our friends that we were planning on dropping hadley off with.<br />
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and--of course--in true fickle fashion, as soon as we made all our phone calls and really settled in to the mindset that we were having a baby today, my contractions drifted further apart. fifteen minutes. twenty minutes. twelve. thirty. fifteen again.<br />
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i texted neva (my midwife) and told her what was happening. she said to just come in for my appointment at 10:30 to see how i was progressing. <i>oh, and bring your labor bags, just in case.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>at my previous appointment the thursday just four days prior, i had only been three centimeters dilated. i wasn't expecting much had changed but i was hoping for a little progression at the very least.<br />
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we grabbed <a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/04/a-peek-inside-my-birthing-bag.html" target="_blank"><i>our bags</i></a>, woke hadley and drove over to our friends to drop her off.<br />
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<i>we may or may not be back to pick her up, </i>i laughed nervously<i>.</i><br />
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as we drove to <i><a href="https://thebirthinginn.com/" target="_blank">the birthing inn</a>, </i>i prayed and breathed slowly trying not to get my hopes up.<br />
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david and i arrived five minutes before the half hour mark. quickly i used the restroom and pulled myself together knowing that she could very well just send us home.<br />
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we walked into her office, david plopped himself on the couch and i hoisted my bulging body up into the exam chair.<br />
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as neva began to poke around down there she had a pleasantly surprised look come across her face.<br />
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<i>you are a really good 7 centimeters dilated. you're having a baby today!</i><br />
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i was shocked. the contractions hadn't been consistent for hours and they were hardly painful by any means.<br />
<i><br /></i>she suggested we go on a nice long two hour walk and come back to talk about next steps.<br />
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david and i made our way down to point defiance park, pineapple chunks and <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/04/laborade-recipe.html" target="_blank">laborade</a></i> in hand. we walked circles around the pond, listening to the birds, watching the ducks bob in and out of the water in search of their food.<br />
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sometimes in silence, grinning at one another, no need for words; other times laughing at how ridiculous i looked hobbling one foot up on the curb, the other on the pavement as i worked to open up my pelvis; and then there were those moments--less often since my contractions had become so infrequent--where i would bury my head into his chest, only for thirty to fifty seconds at a time, inhaling deep breaths of the the fresh air, working through the painful yet manageable tightenings of my uterus. as soon as those moments were over i joked, <i>this really is a walk in the park!</i><br />
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that's just what it was. in fact, i felt that it wasn't fair how easy it had been so far. by the time we got back and neva checked me once again, i was <i>easily an eight</i>, she said. i was speechless.<br />
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it was 1:30 in the afternoon when we decided to go ahead and break my water.<br />
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whooooosh.<br />
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it was the strangest feeling. not quite like peeing, but the same sense of relief that peeing brings.<br />
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as soon as the majority of the fluid had come out, i made my way over to the birthing tub. soaking for what felt like forever, but really was only an hour, i asked my midwife's assistant, <i>soo, is anything going to happen?</i> i was still having contractions but they were about the same pain level, only a little bit closer in frequency.<br />
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<i>maybe you are just one of the lucky ones who have easy labors, </i>she smiled.<br />
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as soon as the words left her mouth, the contractions took it up a notch--or rather ten notches... transition.<br />
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this was encouraging. i began focusing all of my energy into breathing and finding a position that was as comfortable as could be in the tub, without getting too hot, or too cold. david sat there, knowing me well that i didn't want to be touched (ha!), soaking a rag in ice water and gently laying it either across my forehead or the back of my neck, whichever i preferred in the moment.<br />
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after about an hour of hard labor i was getting so fed up things weren't progressing as fast as i had wanted them to, so i stood up. i began rotating my hips in circles, as you would a hoola hoop. and then, i peed in the tub.<br />
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<i>sorry you guys,</i> i laughed to the women in the room. there were three of them; four people total including david. after having one baby, i learned there really is no such thing as discretion with childbirth.<br />
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it seemed as if that was exactly what my body needed, though...to pee. to get that pressure out of the way, because as soon as i did, i felt her drop down. <i>ohhhhhhkayyyy</i>, i shouted, <i>i need to push now.</i><br />
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so i pushed. standing up. in the middle of the tub.<br />
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after about five minutes of that, my legs shook uncontrollably. i felt that they were going to give out at any moment, so i dropped to my knees and continued pushing, leaning over the edge of the tub. there it was...that stinging, burning ring of fire that everyone had told me about--<i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/07/the-birth-of-hadley.html" target="_blank">which i hadn't felt during my first labor with hadley</a></i>. this was the moment i felt like i was unable to go on. it was the moment i thought i might die, or, that my downstairs was going to end up being one...huge...hole..<br />
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there's a line in jurassic park, i'm sure you've heard it. you know, the <i>hang on to your butts! </i>one? this is what pushing a baby out feels like. like your bum bum--as we call it in our house--and everything else down there is going to fall off.<br />
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but i'm happy to report, that doesn't happen. the human body works it's beautiful miracle and makes a way for these babies to come out. and she did.<br />
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after about four hard pushes she made her way earthside.<br />
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at a healthy 8 pounds 1 oz., amelia mercy landrus was born into the water at 4:08 pm on may 1, 2017.<br />
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i exhaled, turned around and leaned back against the tub. i reached down and grabbed her holding her tight. it was so surreal. so beautiful. this wonderful girl we had been waiting for, the one worth all of the pain, all of the <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-second-time-around.html" target="_blank">early-pregnancy difficulties</a></i>, she was here.<br />
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-66445217021511350922017-07-22T11:48:00.001-07:002019-02-15T16:02:48.799-08:00the birth of hadley<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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flipping through the pages of a parenting magazine, i sat waiting for my non-stress test. i was one week and a day overdue, with very little patience and a whole lot of anxiety. the day after my due date, my o.b. had said she would be surprised if i went past the weekend. and yet there i was, sitting, past the weekend on a wednesday, still very much pregnant.<br />
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what she hadn't told me was that it was very possible and more common than not to be walking around for weeks on end dilated a few centimeters or so. </div>
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they called my name and i walked down the hall to the room where i was hooked up to machines which monitored the baby for over an hour. </div>
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i wasn't worried whether the baby was ok. i would lie awake in the early mornings with david staring at my belly turning and rolling and seeing her little kicks and flutters. after <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-story-of-hadley-part-one-ending.html" target="_blank">all we had been through</a></i> i was just plain ready to be done being pregnant. </div>
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when the hour was up i met with my o.b. and she looked at me and very business-like with no attachment asked, <i>so when do you want to have this baby?</i><br />
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with a blank look on my face and a little bit of frustration in my tone, i told her since she had gotten my hopes up and made me think i would have had her by now, <i>umm....yesterday. </i><br />
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so it was decided. right then and there she scheduled my induction for the very next day. i drove home--we were living with my parents at the time--and when i arrived the phone was ringing as i stepped through the front door.<br />
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<i>we had a spot open up for an induction this evening if you want to come in tonight</i>, the voice on the phone said. i agreed, hung up and called my mom and david.<br />
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in a way it was kind of nice, to know when i was going to go in. i went with my mom to get my nails done, we had a nice dinner, double checked our bags had everything we needed for the hospital and off we drove.<br />
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david and i arrived around 8, and i handed them my birth plan, for even though i was having a hospital birth i was insistent that it would be as natural as possible. the fact that i was being induced was already enough compromise and i really wasn't willing or hoping for anymore.<br />
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we had recently watched <i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCiQrcP0Qas" target="_blank">the business of being born</a></i> so i told my o.b., <i>absolutely no pitocin please!</i> we opted for cytotec, instead, a small pill used to soften the cervix and induce contractions to begin labor (since then i have learned of many side affects and other harmful ways these pills can affect you and baby which is why i chose to go the <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/07/the-birth-of-amelia.html" target="_blank">drug-free route during amelia's labor and delivery</a></i>).<br />
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at 9 p.m. april 29, i was given my first dose of half a pill. david curled up on the couch next to the bed and we went to sleep. i was woken by the nurses around midnight to check my progress. next to nothing. around 2 a.m. i was given a second dose--the other half. and to let those of you who have never received this pill know, they have to poke, prod and shove in order for it to stick to the cervix. soooo comfortable and pleasant (read: sarcasm).<br />
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it was 4 in the morning when the contractions began. the nurses could see how giddy i was and told me to keep resting if i could because what was to come would take a great amount of energy. of course, being me, i didn't listen and out of excitement woke david to tell him...also so he could keep me company.<br />
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for the next 6 hours it was pretty standard. i labored in various postitions--the ball, the tub, the side of the bed, dancing with david. i was in a lot more pain <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/07/the-birth-of-amelia.html" target="_blank">than my labor with amelia</a> </i>(partly because, first baby, but also in part due to the induction making contractions happen when they wouldn't be naturally) so i didn't stay laboring in one position very long.<br />
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around 10:30 they checked my progression. i was dilated to an eight. the pain became excruciating. my breaths were out of control and i began to panic. <i>i need to push!</i> i would shout. <i>no you can't! do not push melissa,</i> the nurses said. so i tensed up, it took everything in me not to push--to work against my body instead of with it. an hour and a half went by of wailing and crying and pleading with them to be allowed to push. they checked me again. still an eight. no progress.<br />
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<i>melissa, you need to relax. your body will not progress if you aren't relaxing.</i> i screamed at them, <i>how am i supposed to relax when i'm tensing up trying not to push?</i> they were telling me two completely contradicting statements.<br />
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at this point i was on the edge of the bed pressing my face hard against david's chest during contractions. there were no breaks. at least that's what it felt like. in reality there were about thirty seconds between contractions. and for each of those breaks i passed out, completely. i was utterly drained, exhausted.<br />
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<i>i can't do this, </i>i told david,<i> help me.</i><br />
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the o.b. who was on duty was not my own--of course. she came in to tell me i had a couple of <i>options,</i> she called them.<br />
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<i>either you relax and keep progressing, or you get an epidural, or...</i>she stopped, her voice trailing. but we all knew what she was going to say. i could tell everyone was thinking it. <i>cesarean. </i><br />
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i looked at david, my mom, the three nurses and the doctor in the room. a lump welled up in my throat.<br />
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i choked out, g<i>ive me the epidural.</i><br />
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the anesthesiologist came and swiftly stuck the largest needle i had ever seen into my spine. within seconds an overwhelming sense of relief and relaxation flooded down over my lower body.<br />
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ten minutes later, the doctor checked me once again. i was fully dilated.<br />
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the tension in the room lifted, the air was lighter and happier and i began to push. although i couldn't lift my legs on my own--let alone feel them--i was able to feel the pressure of the contractions in my uterus and still felt that i could work with my body.<br />
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for an hour and a half i pushed, leisurely while we casually chatted with the doctor.<br />
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<i>i see the head!</i> she said all of a sudden, <i>give me one more biiggg push!</i><br />
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and there she was. <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-story-of-hadley-part-one-ending.html" target="_blank">the gift we hadn't asked for but the grace we had been given</a></i>. hadley grace landrus, born at 2:24 p.m. april 30, 2015, 7 pounds 4 and a half ounces. <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2017/03/the-story-of-hadley-part-two-pregnant.html" target="_blank">worth all the shame, all of heartache</a></i>, she was more beautiful than we could have ever imagined and our hearts overflowed with joy.<br />
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melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-92088969112077305172017-06-15T15:57:00.001-07:002019-02-15T16:02:39.060-08:00what's in my diaper bag?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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now that i'm a mama of two, what i'm carrying with me on the daily is a little different--and a little heavier. i had become so used to carrying a small bag with just a couple of diapers and snacks for hadley, because toddlers don't need much, and honestly i forgot just how much newer babies need, especially on long days out. you can never be too prepared.<br />
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first, the bag. i came to realize that shoulder bags just would notttt cut it especially now having to carry items for two babes, and opted for a backpack. something cute yet simple enough that david wouldn't feel too embarrassed to carry. enter, the<a href="https://fawndesign.com/" target="_blank"> <i>fawn design bag</i></a>. it's roomy, easy to clean, can be carried both backpack and messenger style and is just all around aesthetically pleasing to me. i have the color bloom (a soft creamy-white-pink kinda color) and i truly love it.<br />
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next--let's be honest--i have your standard hair-ties, bobby pins and receipts that i have to dig through before i reach the good stuff...because really this could also be called the "black hole," but i'll spare you pictures of those for now ;)<br />
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so what's a diaper bag without diapers? our favorites are kirkland brand (from costco) and <i><a href="https://www.seventhgeneration.com/" target="_blank">seventh generation</a></i>--wipes as well. the changing pad that we love so so much is by <i><a href="https://gathre.com/collections/micro/products/pewter-micro" target="_blank">gathre</a>. </i>it's stain-resistant, super compact and so easy to clean. best of all the bonded leather makes it sleek and stylish and when have you ever said that about a changing mat?!<br />
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we always have to have some kind of swaddle blanket. we love this white one from <i><a href="http://www.maxandmoose.com/" target="_blank">max + moose</a></i>. we also really love our merino wool swaddle by <i><a href="https://www.chasingwindmillskids.com/" target="_blank">chasing windmills kids</a></i>. my wardrobe these days consists of baggy t-shirts loose enough to nurse in without a cover but i always, always carry a <i><a href="https://www.coveredgoods.com/" target="_blank">covered goods nursing cover</a></i> with me just in case. best part about this? it's multi-use. when i'm not nursing it's on amelia's carseat protecting her from bright sun, wind and light rain.<br />
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i never leave the house without some type of baby carrier (i'll be doing a post on baby-wearing later and all the benefits because i love it so much!). in my bag currently is the <i><a href="https://shop.sollybaby.com/collections/all/products/ajj-for-solly-baby" target="_blank">solly baby wrap</a>, </i>but i also have a <i><a href="https://happybabywrap.com/" target="_blank">happy baby wrap</a></i>, as well <i><a href="https://www.truenorthslings.ca/" target="_blank">two ring slings</a></i>. this is my life saver for grocery trips with two kiddos.<br />
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amelia has yet to use it a ton but i always have a <i><a href="http://www.natursutten.com/" target="_blank">pacifier</a></i> with a <i><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/NomiLu" target="_blank">clip</a></i> at all times. like i said, right now it's mostly just in case because she prefers the boob, but i'm sure she will come to love it just like her older sister did. for baby girl i also carry a <i><a href="https://www.billybibs.com/" target="_blank">drool bib</a></i> and some rattles/teethers. the bib is to keep her clothes from getting dirty either from that sweet baby slobber or spit up (which is more frequent at this point) and to be honest it's also just so cute. we prefer wooden teethers and rattles. the ones pictured here are from <i><a href="https://www.finnandemma.com/" target="_blank">finn + emma</a></i> via anthropologie as well as <i><a href="https://www.maplelandmark.com/schoolhousenaturals/teethers.lasso" target="_blank">schoolhouse naturals</a>.</i><br />
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besides all of the above, i always carry snacks, a change of clothes for amelia, sunglasses for hadley (thank you <i><a href="https://www.target.com/" target="_blank">target dollar section</a></i>!!!), <i><a href="https://www.honest.com/bath-and-body/hand-sanitizer-spray" target="_blank">hand sanitizer</a></i> and <i><a href="http://babyganics.com/products/mineral-based-sunscreen-50spf/" target="_blank">sunscreen</a></i>.<br />
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what are your must haves in your diaper bag? have anything you cannot leave the house without?? comment below and let me know!! also, be sure to follow me on <i><a href="https://www.instagram.com/melissalandrus/" target="_blank">instagram</a> </i>because i've got a little giveaway going on tomorrow!<br />
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**full disclosure: occassionally i receive product for promotional/review purposes but all statements and opinions above are my own personal opinions. you may click links in this post to be directed to the companies/websites and learn more about the products featured in this blog**melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-9126132524208508272017-05-30T17:05:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:00:59.539-08:00silence + apathy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
back when i was almost twenty weeks pregnant, there was a moment where i <i><a href="http://thelandrusdiaries.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-second-time-around.html" target="_blank">completely freaked out</a></i> about the new little babe growing in my belly. okay...there were many moments. but i knew they wouldn't last. i knew my heart would grow twice its size, expand so much i couldn't even begin to fathom it...at least, that's what i was told.<br />
<br />
i was told i wouldn't be able to remember life without two. i was told i would fall in love with her like i did with my first.<br />
<br />
and then she was born. <br />
<a name='more'></a>amelia mercy.<br />
<br />
there was no expansion, no magical moment where we 'found our missing puzzle piece' to the family. more than anything, i was just completely relieved to no longer be pregnant. i was thankful for a quick and easy delivery and healthy baby, but i was confused and--much like at twenty weeks pregnant--i began to panic about what life would be like with this new little babe.<br />
<br />
the first few days with our new girl were like most newborn days: leaky breasts, diaper changes, crying and loads upon loads of laundry.<br />
<br />
after two days, hadley came home from her nana and popop's and i had a terrifying realization: i am full of apathy for this baby.<br />
<i><br /></i>
around the two week mark, towards the end of david's time off, i broke down. amelia was crying, hadley was cooking in her play kitchen and i lost it. i set amelia in the cradle and ran into the bathroom.<br />
<br />
<i>what is wrong with me?!</i> i screamed at david. <i>we have no connection! i feel like i don't even love her!</i><br />
<br />
there i was, hysterical, sitting on the toilet (seat down) balling to david--bless his soul--and he essentially told me to pull myself together and feed my hungry daughter...which was not what i was expecting. i thought he could pull me out of this, say something that would suddenly change the way i was feeling.<br />
<br />
but what i have been learning is that change does not happen the way we wish it would: suddenly. change and growth, with most things, happens in silence. where it seems almost as if nothing is happening.<br />
<br />
so for a whole month i beat myself up, continually made myself feel guilty and questioned myself as a mother, a woman, even a human. what was wrong with me that i couldn't even bring myself to love this tiny, fragile, cooing baby girl? one who, i must add, we were so incredibly eager to meet.<br />
<br />
yet all the while, we were sharing these moments in the silence: 11 pm and 2 am feedings, talking and staring at each other while big sister naps. slowly and silently my heart for her began to grow and i wasn't even aware. until this past weekend.<br />
<br />
i pulled amelia off of my breast as she finished nursing and stared at her big gray-blue eyes, her pursed lips with traces of breastmilk still lingering and her button nose that looks an awful lot like her big sister's.<br />
<br />
<i>she's cute</i>, i told david.<br />
<br />
my heart was buzzing with warmth and i felt this sudden surge of energy, this rush of emotion welling up inside of me. <i>i love you</i>, i couldn't help but whisper to her. and i really really meant it.<br />
<br />
mother teresa once said: <i>the trees, the flowers, the plants grow in silence. the stars, the sun, the moon move in silence. </i><br />
<br />
how lovely, then, is the silence.<br />
<i><br /></i>melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-80477245130384922382017-05-19T13:39:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:00:49.524-08:00sweat, milk and slowing down<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
i frantically run around the apartment, crying baby in one hand, a pile of laundry in the other.<br />
<br />
<i>"hadley, put your clogs by the front door! 1-2-3... hadley do you want to see friends today? you need to help mama clean up!"</i> i try my best to stay calm and sweet. but really i'm not trying that hard.<br />
<br />
the kitchen is a mess, the bathroom disgusting, we have overflowing laundry baskets which means i have absolutely no clean nursing bras and it has been two days since i last showered.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
yet i've somehow managed to scoop up the girls three days in a row to get out of the apartment and meet up with people or make appointments.<br />
<br />
i smell of sweat and old breastmilk, my mascara is crusty, my roots are greasy and i am living on granola bars and cup after cup of reheated coffee.<br />
<br />
i dig to the bottom of a drawer to find a clean shirt, throw on my maternity pants (which keep falling off every time i get up to walk but hey i don't fit into my normal jeans yet!) and slather on some deodorant.<br />
<br />
quickly i get hadley dressed and set amelia in the moses basket. <i>please stop crying</i>, i ask her and pray simultaneously. i look over and hadley has granola bar all over her face.<br />
<br />
<i>ok, it's ok, who are you trying to impress?</i> i ask myself. and honestly i'm not too sure. myself maybe? proving that i have achieved some sense of normalcy again? that i can do this? that i can indeed handle two kids?<br />
<br />
i light a candle. and then another. then i blow the second out. <i>overkill.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
ok, maybe i'm trying to impress more than myself here. this is just a fellow mama, going out of her way to bring me a meal. me, who <i>just</i> had a baby two and a half weeks ago. and i am running around like a maniac through all the rooms trying to clean up the evidence. <i>nope! no new mom here</i>, it seems i'm trying to allude.<br />
<br />
but that's the truth. i just had a baby. i've been running on adrenaline because i get too stir crazy sitting around the house all day. i'm <i>not</i> a homebody. that's just not who i am. i need to get out and be in nature, be with crowds of people. that's what brings me life. what energizes me.<br />
<br />
so to sit around in this mess for a week now that david has gone back to work, it's kind of driving me insane... which is why i haven't just sat. i've forced myself and the girls out.<br />
<br />
being busy helps. it distracts me from the mess at home, from the fact that i am exhausted and from letting myself slip back into depression.<br />
<br />
<i>BUT</i><br />
<br />
being busy makes time fly. as if it didn't already go fast enough.<br />
<br />
i call my mom to see how her job interviews are going. i tell her we have company coming and i am essentially that chicken running around with its head cut off.<br />
<br />
"<i>she's a mom. she understands...she gets it. all of your cleaning can wait."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
all of this--my pride, this proving myself or whatever the heck it is--i finally realize has been getting in my way of soaking it up. soaking up these first few weeks with two. slowing down and truly, truly enjoying them.<br />
<br />
these moments will not last. hadley's first few years flew by faster than a blink. and i know amelia's will as well. so starting now, i'm giving myself permission--giving you permission, if you're a new mama, especially of multiples--to let the dishes pile up, let the laundry overflow, order pizza, let people come help if they're offering. because life already moves too fast to hurry it on faster.<br />
<br />
it doesn't mean you can't handle it. because if i have learned anything in the last few weeks it's that i really can handle it. i can do it and it made me feel like superwoman.<br />
<br />
but, that isn't the point. give yourself the grace to soak it up. enjoy the slowness, the laying around and the mess before it's--all too soon--gone.melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-39540937226987601532017-05-16T22:07:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:00:41.259-08:00sisters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOXrBHWAffi6CUf2Pz9COGiHURqaxqPxXPgALnp0Y0sf1EEEXRXQc1nJw67hCJavEWZwquT6Utnxx7_h7XHsMf5V0oqYQKdkIm8wcgjxcShwEv9CtdX_G1h2PcO-NuitpuC5BazTzz0Rg/s1600/vsco-photo-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOXrBHWAffi6CUf2Pz9COGiHURqaxqPxXPgALnp0Y0sf1EEEXRXQc1nJw67hCJavEWZwquT6Utnxx7_h7XHsMf5V0oqYQKdkIm8wcgjxcShwEv9CtdX_G1h2PcO-NuitpuC5BazTzz0Rg/s640/vsco-photo-1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
this was the moment i waited nine long months for: our two precious girls to meet. as much as i anticipated it, though, i didn't snap a single photo as my hands were plenty full. but oh, my heart just burst through the brim.<br />
<br />
hadley was quite shy at first as she walked through our front door, past the sign her daddy wrote reading "<i>welcome home big sister hadley grace.</i>" she slowly walked towards me, donning a big sister shirt her nana had given her during her stay at their house while we were at the birthing center. she seemed a bit unsure as she glanced around the room first at me and the baby, then towards her daddy, then over to her nana, then back at me and baby.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
as if to cover up her nervousness, she pointed to the cinnamon-raisin bagel that was set next to me on the side table and asked <i>"what's that? have some?"</i> all of us laughed.<br />
<br />
there is an old home video my dad took of me meeting my brother matthew for the first time. my grandparents brought me to the hospital and my dad asked if i wanted to meet my baby brother. it seems like i ignore his question and instead turn towards my mom and point towards the food next to her and ask, <i>"mommy, can i have some beans?" </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
like mother, like daughter, i guess!<br />
<br />
i scooped her up into my lap and squeezed her as tight as i could. <i>"i missed you so much,"</i> i whispered in her little ear. <i>"want to meet your baby sister?"</i> and i placed the teeny new body not even a full day old onto hadley's not-so-little legs. and it was as if--in this very moment--hadley blossomed into a little girl. like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, our first baby wasn't a baby any longer. she was a big sister.<br />
<br />
my mom and grandma asked hadley who she was holding.<br />
<br />
quietly, sheepishly, she peeped out, <i>"minnie."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
minnie. she couldn't pronounce 'amelia' when i was pregnant so we called her millie, but even this nickname she couldn't quite get out right and so... it was minnie.<br />
<br />
we sat there, the three of us, me and my girls (plural!!), hadley stroking amelia's thick brown hair and giving her kisses, each time with an audible <i>"muah!"</i> and i couldn't help thinking how perfect this moment was, how love was just palpitating in the room, so thick. i didn't want it to end.<br />
<br />
but, alas, it did. and yet each day ever since has been just as sweet. hadley wants to help with everything amelia-related. she asks to hold her, kiss her, hug her, put her clothes on, see her poop...ha! she's an eager helper and i couldn't be more thankful.<br />
<br />
we are still trying to gently explain that poking is a no-no. but she is starting to understand it as she points to amelia's eyes and nose and mouth, then squints her own eyes and shakes her head.<br />
<br />
i know there will be hard days ahead of us, i am not naive. which is why i hold on tight and treasure these moments so. even more-so because i always <i>always</i> wanted a sister so badly my heart ached for it. thus, watching the love between these two little humans--these sisters--unfold is magical. and honestly it's more beautiful than i can put into words. after two weeks, my cup is truly overflowing, i couldn't be more thankful.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipNT8yvGlbUK_QE__M2KNe6f-UKRA75nHGCESn4D1PhG5LQI5_0BTvnGFePnQCGRxJ92sRVV925Ri_hqDF5gJF0eg3W4dP20UA1CqMshGPQngnvJ6DMGDDgkuySUPLQfiOOi6kVvwTzaA/s1600/vsco-photo-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipNT8yvGlbUK_QE__M2KNe6f-UKRA75nHGCESn4D1PhG5LQI5_0BTvnGFePnQCGRxJ92sRVV925Ri_hqDF5gJF0eg3W4dP20UA1CqMshGPQngnvJ6DMGDDgkuySUPLQfiOOi6kVvwTzaA/s640/vsco-photo-2.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>hadley's dress: <a href="https://canvashousedesigns.com/" target="_blank">canvas house designs</a> -- hadley's bow: <a href="https://pineandhoneyhandmade.com/" target="_blank">pine + honey</a> -- amelia's bow: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/bonbonbabyandkids/" target="_blank">bon bon baby + kids</a> -- amelia's knit bloomers: <a href="https://www.petitecoo.com/" target="_blank">petite coo</a> -- pacifier: <a href="http://www.natursutten.com/" target="_blank">natursutten</a> -- clip: <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/NomiLu" target="_blank">nomilu</a> -- changing mat: <a href="https://gathre.com/" target="_blank">gathre</a> </i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRedKbOZqk7Kh3KI08YQjzzSbqxAvn1cKlJGhdR0REsxAQIHOqavSG5boDB_6olYsmprw3sQD35jtTqHYCejdhCvcRfxvbl72U9a4eSMn3rgovY4ZXz6pgJPTwItlEFJvLOWT2OQX76Yg/s640/vsco-photo-1+%25282%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>melissa's dress: <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/notPERFECTLINEN" target="_blank">not perfect linen</a> -- melissa's shoes: <a href="https://sandgrensclogs.com/" target="_blank">sandgrens</a> -- hadley's dress: <a href="https://pineandhoneyhandmade.com/" target="_blank">pine + honey</a> -- hadley's bow: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/sunandautumn/" target="_blank">sun & autumn</a> -- hadley's shoes: <a href="http://oldnavy.gap.com/?brandCvoSid=E4Y2T844XWW9&redirect=true" target="_blank">old navy</a> -- amelia's bow: <a href="http://instagram.com/bonbonbabyandkids/" target="_blank">bon bon baby + kids</a> -- amelia's shoes: <a href="http://www.quaillaneco.com/" target="_blank">quail lane co.</a></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-56672875567966581732017-05-02T09:41:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:00:33.756-08:00welcome to the world...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
after nine long months full of anticipation, prayer, excitement and--more often than not--impatience, we are thrilled to announce that our newest bundle of joy has finally arrived safe and sound.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
amelia mercy landrus made her way earthside monday, may 1, 2017 at 4:08 pm. a chunky 8 lbs 1 oz miracle, she is happy and healthy and we are thankful.<br />
<br />
thank you to all of you who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers, your love surrounded us. we will soon share a more detailed story of her birth.<br />
<br />
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<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-10273560917985927462017-04-30T08:06:00.002-07:002019-02-15T16:00:22.323-08:00laborade: a recipe<br />
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<br />
sometimes making a small change in the way we've done things before is enough to calm nerves and--praying and crossing my fingers--could even change whole situations.<br />
<br />
i'm talking about labor. with hadley, my labor lasted ten hours, start to finish including pushing. it wasn't a horror story, it wasn't a walk in the park. however, i was induced and i still carry guilt with me for that. i had an epidural and i still carry guilt for that as well. i'll share a more detailed version of her birth soon, but in the meantime i wanted to share this recipe i've been working on.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
laborade--what is it? think gatorade but for labor. because when you are about to push a human being out of a very, very small space, you need all the strength, energy, electrolytes you can get.<br />
<br />
i've already mentioned i have been taking <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Meadow-Herbs-G1034-Formula/dp/B004NG2OVA" target="_blank">gentle birth formula</a></i> since week thirty-five (which i would highly recommend, but of course, never take anything without first talking to your doctor or midwife), and drinking at least one cup of red raspberry leaf tea every day. both the tincture and the tea help to tone and strengthen the uterus, improve the effectiveness of contractions and reduce pain during labor and after birth. (since you are toning your muscles leading up to it, labor can be shorter and less painful!!) so as far as my laborade goes, red raspberry leaf tea had to be a main ingredient. you can read more on the benefits of red raspberry leaf tea <i><a href="https://www.mamanatural.com/red-raspberry-leaf-tea/" target="_blank">here</a></i>.<br />
<br />
now onto the next main ingredient: coconut water. i have been drinking coconut water on a regular basis since the summer after i had hadley. so refreshing and so chalk-full of goodness. coconut water contains more potassium than sports drinks as well as more natural sources of sodium. and i would add that i definitely prefer its subtle sweetness to the artificial fruitiness that the sports drink companies try to conjure up.<br />
<br />
ok ok, so now for the recipe!! i searched high and low for a recipe that was exactly what i was looking for and could. not. find one. so i combined a few and made some changes and voila!<br />
<br />
here she goes! you will need:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>18 red raspberry leaf tea bags</li>
<li>3 cups filtered water</li>
<li>2 cups coconut water</li>
<li>1/4 tsp sea salt</li>
<li>1/4 cup lemon juice</li>
<li>1/8 cup raw honey</li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
<div>
bring the filtered water to a boil, then remove from heat and stick the tea bags in (yes all 18 of them, it's going to be a strong tea to really get your body moving and being consistent and efficient with those contractions). let the tea steep for at least 2 hours. after it's steeped and cooled, pour into a big 64 oz. or so water bottle (the one you will grab as your in labor). pour in the coconut water, sea salt, lemon juice and honey and shake really really well. i mean, your arms should be sore after shaking this. taste to see if the sweetness is to your likening, if not add another 1/8 cup of raw honey (but try not to overdue the sweetness). then, cool and store up to four days in the fridge until you are ready to use it!</div>
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i would suggest to either have all these ingredients on hand with someone to make it for you as soon as you start early labor <i>or </i>make sure you make this right around your due date so it doesn't go bad! it's just hard to know because what's a due date, right? (as i sit here, on day four of being "overdue.." it's ok, i'm ok, everything's ok)</div>
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please do let me know if you make this and if you add anything to it that you like let me know that as well :) happy labor!</div>
melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-12117595860843110382017-04-24T18:41:00.000-07:002019-02-15T16:00:15.387-08:00on surrender"<i>there is an appointed time for everything. and there is a time for every event under heaven--a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.</i>"<br />
-ecclesiastes 3:2<br />
<br />
as our family anticipates the arrival of this new little one, we are met with every emotion. it's difficult for me to quit thinking that happiness lies in the future, no matter how badly we yearn for it. but rather, we must be fully present, giving into the slow-drip of time and of waiting. there is only so many more days left as a family of three--as hadley being our only child--and i long so badly to savor these moments, to soak up all the richness that is right now.<br />
<br />
with less than two days to go until the "due date," we will be going about our days quite the same but with an emphasis on being here, fully invested. i place quotations there because, well, baby could come any day now...or she may possibly wait for a few more weeks (crossing my fingers the latter does not happen).<br />
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to add to my anxiety, david came down with a cold about a week ago and we were nervous because if anyone is sick at all, they are not allowed to attend the birth where i am delivering-- <i><a href="https://thebirthinginn.com/" target="_blank">the birthing inn</a>. </i>well thankfully he is on the mend, but i woke up today with congestion and a throat so swollen every time i swallow it feels like razor blades are slowly making their way down. so i will be taking it really easy this evening, ordering spicy thai food, downing as much water as possible and soaking in epsom salt baths.<br />
<br />
it feels like the lord is really trying to hit home with me that nothing is ever completely in my control and i need to learn to be alright with that. to let go.<br />
<br />
ecclesiastes 3 is a gentle reminder that everything will happen right when it is meant to be. to have come this far in anticipation and expectation, and to continue to wait is difficult especially with these new obstacles. patience, joy and appreciation are the things i am learning in these final days, hours, as we wait and surrender.<br />
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a huge thank you to <i><a href="https://erindupreephotography.com/" target="_blank">erin dupree photography</a></i> for taking these images we will cherish forever of us still just a family of three. </div>
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hadley's outfit:</div>
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-dress: <i><a href="https://canvashousedesigns.com/" target="_blank">canvas house designs</a></i></div>
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-bow: <i><a href="http://khanh.co/" target="_blank">khahn</a></i></div>
<br />melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910276895914882517.post-37365184742635799892017-04-23T15:13:00.001-07:002019-02-15T16:00:07.649-08:00a peek inside my birthing bagas i lay in bed with my feet propped up i cannot help but notice that this little babe who is tucked snug beneath my heart is quieter than normal. she must be napping. she seems to be doing a lot of that lately as she really has run out of room, me being filled to the brim. i'm ready to pop. any moment now. and it truly is taking a toll on this here pregnant body of mine, which has been favoring pre-labor contractions for the past week or so.<br />
<br />
there have been many moments i have quickly grabbed david's arm with that look on my face and asked him if i should call neva, our midwife. "just wait, just wait," he's said. and so far he's been right.<br />
<br />
at almost 40 weeks, we are both soo ready and nowhere near ready. isn't funny how that is? but as we look back on our time with hadley as a newborn we are reminded they don't need much. so when this little babe decides to make her grand entrance, we know all will be well.<br />
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for now, the bags are packed, the blankets and itty bitty clothes are washed and folded and we have nothing left to do but enjoy our time left as a family of three.<br />
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for baby//<br />
<div>
- pacifier and clip--<i><a href="http://www.natursutten.com/products/natursutten-original/anatomisk-mini/" target="_blank">natursutten</a></i> & <i><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/NomiLu" target="_blank">nomilu</a></i> (we also have some clips by <i><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/PinkPeonyDesignCo?ref=shop_sugg" target="_blank">pink peony design co</a></i>; and to be honest baby girl won't be using a pacifier for a few days to a week to avoid nipple confusion, so this is just completely just in case )<br />
- newborn diapers</div>
<div>
- swaddles--<i><a href="http://www.maxandmoose.com/" target="_blank">max + moose</a> </i>and <i><a href="https://willabyshop.com/collections/blankets-burp-cloths/products/heirloom-blanket-color-collection-no-2" target="_blank">w</a><a href="https://willabyshop.com/collections/blankets-burp-cloths/products/heirloom-blanket-color-collection-no-2" target="_blank">illaby clothier</a></i></div>
<div>
- a few classic white onesies<br />
- footie pj's--<i><a href="https://www.lovedbaby.com/shop/style/footed-overall/" target="_blank">l'oved baby</a></i></div>
<div>
- coming home outfit--<i><a href="https://www.zara.com/us/en/kids/mini-%7C-0-12-months/knitwear/basic-footed-leggings-c812561p4082031.html" target="_blank">zara</a></i><br />
- knit hat-- <i><a href="https://www.petitecoo.com/collections/newborn-essentials/products/newborn-bundle" target="_blank">petite coo</a></i></div>
<div>
- bonnet--<i><a href="http://www.hellocharlieshop.com/product/charlie" target="_blank">hello charlie</a></i></div>
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- bow--<i><a href="http://khanh.co/" target="_blank">kahn</a></i><br />
- approved carseat</div>
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for mama//<br />
- swimsuit top (for laboring in tub/water birth)</div>
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- nursing bras<br />
- dark underwear</div>
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- robe--<i><a href="http://www.pinkblushmaternity.com/p-22607-ivory-lace-trim-deliverynursing-maternity-robe.aspx?DepartmentID=1" target="_blank">pink blush maternity</a></i><br />
- joggers<br />
- big baggy top<br />
- sweater<br />
- belly binder</div>
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- maxi-pads</div>
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- snacks<br />
- laborade (a concoction of coconut water and raspberry leaf tea to help keep contractions strong, consistent and to keep me well hydrated and full of electrolytes--let me know if you would like my recipe!)<br />
- foundation<br />
- mascara<br />
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hadley's overnight bag//<br />
- stuffed animal--<i><a href="https://www.cuddleandkind.com/product/chelsea-the-cat/" target="_blank">cuddle + kind</a></i><br />
- blankies<br />
- new book<br />
- pajamas<br />
- two outfits<br />
- diapers</div>
melissa landrushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07590339024067740317noreply@blogger.com4