and just like that...we're having another baby!
we are absolutely thrilled, excited and thankful.
now that i've said that can i talk about the hard stuff?
at thirteen weeks i opened my eyes and found myself on the floor of trader joes with a crowd of people hovering over me. did i hit my head? i'm pregnant! am i having a miscarriage? frantically i reoriented myself to look for hadley. a few ladies from three lines over had come over to play with her, give her stickers and keep her distracted as to not be scared that mommy had just fallen over and passed out.
my heart was racing, my hands and legs shaking with tremors. i was sure i was going to lose the baby.
it had been two years. two whole years since i had sat--read: crumbled-- on that bathroom floor in the yellow house on south street, shocked by the outcome i hadn't wanted to see--had begged, pleaded with god to not see: those two blue lines. i was pregnant.
and now that same baby that had scared me to death while just a wee little one inside of me, was here sitting so beautiful and perfect and peaceful in the cart watching her mama laying on the ground possibly losing her sibling.
with tears in my eyes i wanted to scream and shout "i'm so sorry" for even considering the possibility of hadley's life not happening.
the sanctity of it all had become so real to me. the preciousness, the fragility, the blessing of life.
this wasn't just a zygote. this wasn't just a fetus inside of me swimming around, evolving as i made an unsuccessful shopping trip. this was new life.
after multiple blood tests and a trip to the emergency room, it was deemed anemia was the culprit. all my fears that this little life was over were put to rest.
which is when the others set in.
it happened two weeks ago as the closing credits of short term 12 rolled up the television screen (if you have not seen that film, netflix it tonight, trust me).
the movie was already hitting me in some very tender, scarred places but as those credits rolled my brain was a frenzy.
what are we doing? we can't have this baby! i don't even know it. there is no connection! hadley and i had a connection long before she was earth side.
could i even admit it? that i didn't love this baby? this baby that i had prayed for, longed for, that we were hoping and planning for?
an outburst of salty tears and confessions of the above was what followed scattered thoughts as i sat there telling david all that i was thinking, feeling.
and what about hadley?
hadley, the girl who rocked our world, changed our life.
hadley, the girl who showed us the true meaning of grace.
how could we ever love anything, anyone, more than hadley?
it was at that moment feelings of resentment began to creep in. can you believe it? resentment towards this tiny, fragile, miracle of life happening inside of me?
and it felt all too familiar.
two years ago i had a five year plan. i had recommendation letters lined up as i was ready and waiting to graduate and work on the east coast. to blaze a trail as a 20-something business gal who wouldn't let anything or anyone get in her way.
until august 17th happened there in that yellow house. i was wrecked. life was over.
i was angry, scared, disappointed in myself. people assume it was an easy decision to keep hadley.
it wasn't.
it wasn't my first decision.
and it was the hardest decision of my life.
and it has been the most life-giving choice i have ever made...literally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
looking back on it all i see a girl without hope. had she only known the joy that would come, that there would be a time when that little baby kicking inside of her would say "i love you," that she would still graduate and have job opportunities, that life would not be over, that the little girl would call her "mama" and give her kisses and the biggest, cheesiest most precious smile.
had that girl without hope only seen it all, she may have had peace in the moment.
but life....is scary. we can't see the future, we don't know what it holds. and i think that's good.
because there is room for hope. there is room for trust.
this second baby scares me.
i'm scared of neglecting hadley.
i'm scared of losing more of myself to this thing called motherhood.
i'm scared i won't love this baby, know this baby as i do hadley.
and for now, i think that's an ok place to be. only this time two years later it's a little different.
i'm scared. but i am hopeful.
now that i've said that can i talk about the hard stuff?
at thirteen weeks i opened my eyes and found myself on the floor of trader joes with a crowd of people hovering over me. did i hit my head? i'm pregnant! am i having a miscarriage? frantically i reoriented myself to look for hadley. a few ladies from three lines over had come over to play with her, give her stickers and keep her distracted as to not be scared that mommy had just fallen over and passed out.
my heart was racing, my hands and legs shaking with tremors. i was sure i was going to lose the baby.
it had been two years. two whole years since i had sat--read: crumbled-- on that bathroom floor in the yellow house on south street, shocked by the outcome i hadn't wanted to see--had begged, pleaded with god to not see: those two blue lines. i was pregnant.
and now that same baby that had scared me to death while just a wee little one inside of me, was here sitting so beautiful and perfect and peaceful in the cart watching her mama laying on the ground possibly losing her sibling.
with tears in my eyes i wanted to scream and shout "i'm so sorry" for even considering the possibility of hadley's life not happening.
the sanctity of it all had become so real to me. the preciousness, the fragility, the blessing of life.
this wasn't just a zygote. this wasn't just a fetus inside of me swimming around, evolving as i made an unsuccessful shopping trip. this was new life.
after multiple blood tests and a trip to the emergency room, it was deemed anemia was the culprit. all my fears that this little life was over were put to rest.
which is when the others set in.
it happened two weeks ago as the closing credits of short term 12 rolled up the television screen (if you have not seen that film, netflix it tonight, trust me).
the movie was already hitting me in some very tender, scarred places but as those credits rolled my brain was a frenzy.
what are we doing? we can't have this baby! i don't even know it. there is no connection! hadley and i had a connection long before she was earth side.
could i even admit it? that i didn't love this baby? this baby that i had prayed for, longed for, that we were hoping and planning for?
an outburst of salty tears and confessions of the above was what followed scattered thoughts as i sat there telling david all that i was thinking, feeling.
and what about hadley?
hadley, the girl who rocked our world, changed our life.
hadley, the girl who showed us the true meaning of grace.
how could we ever love anything, anyone, more than hadley?
it was at that moment feelings of resentment began to creep in. can you believe it? resentment towards this tiny, fragile, miracle of life happening inside of me?
and it felt all too familiar.
two years ago i had a five year plan. i had recommendation letters lined up as i was ready and waiting to graduate and work on the east coast. to blaze a trail as a 20-something business gal who wouldn't let anything or anyone get in her way.
until august 17th happened there in that yellow house. i was wrecked. life was over.
i was angry, scared, disappointed in myself. people assume it was an easy decision to keep hadley.
it wasn't.
it wasn't my first decision.
and it was the hardest decision of my life.
and it has been the most life-giving choice i have ever made...literally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
looking back on it all i see a girl without hope. had she only known the joy that would come, that there would be a time when that little baby kicking inside of her would say "i love you," that she would still graduate and have job opportunities, that life would not be over, that the little girl would call her "mama" and give her kisses and the biggest, cheesiest most precious smile.
had that girl without hope only seen it all, she may have had peace in the moment.
but life....is scary. we can't see the future, we don't know what it holds. and i think that's good.
because there is room for hope. there is room for trust.
this second baby scares me.
i'm scared of neglecting hadley.
i'm scared of losing more of myself to this thing called motherhood.
i'm scared i won't love this baby, know this baby as i do hadley.
and for now, i think that's an ok place to be. only this time two years later it's a little different.
i'm scared. but i am hopeful.
Literally brought me to tears right here in my cubicle, because this is so beautiful. Love following along with your journey, Melissa! Blessings to you and your beautiful little family.
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