of marriage
of living for better
of being the for worse
two years of keeping many of the promises i made in front of those almost two-hundred people and two years of breaking many more.
i am learning what it looks like to be sacrificial, to love selflessly. i am learning what it means to love the whole of who david is--the good, the bad, the rather annoying parts of him.
and boy is it a challenge.
more than anything i am learning that marriage is meant to refine. we don't come to the table perfected, but to be perfected. we signed our name on a piece of paper and promised to be the one that would guide the other toward jesus, mr. perfection himself.
in fact in our vows i wrote, "i promise to always run to jesus even if that running looks like a slow, pathetic crawl..."
after two years i feel i have crawled three steps forward and ten leaps back. and i think that's okay. because marriage, if about nothing else, is about grace.
i am learning i am far from whom i want to be--far from whom i know i can be. and it's frustrating. i get so worked up when i let my true colors show, thinking "why did i do that? why am i like this?"
if i do not offer myself grace, and forgiveness, how will i be able to sincerely offer it to david?
grace is not an excuse, something to be abused. grace is a chance to start over. to be made freely, beautifully, wholly new. it's the most wonderful gift i have been given and yet i cannot seem to accept it for myself.
as we jump into year three, my prayer is that i will learn to let go. to let go of the unreasonable expectations i have for myself, to let go of the anxiety and pent-up bitterness i struggle to release from clenched fists.
when i start to see myself how jesus sees me already, i will begin to see david through jesus's eyes. his compassionate, merciful, tender gaze is what i long to embrace more than anything.
while i type this i can feel my heart soften just a little. there is a peace going into the corners unreached that has not been there in a while. for if i have discovered these things in but two years, how much more will i learn in a lifetime?
for now, this is us: struggling, learning and loving.
(and being ridiculous, of course)
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