my throat was swollen with tears. you know that i-might-vomit-i'm-on-the-verge-of-balling-so-hard lump in your throat that you get? paired with blurry vision from tears that won't hold back, a car ride isn't really the place i wanted to be. and yet, that is where i found myself. in the driver seat, losing it, feeling as if i had no control, as if i wasn't really at the wheel.
i sat there, hadley dozing in the backseat getting a head start on naptime, while kari jobe's healer kept shooting little pangs of aches deep in my heart, my gut.
i believe you're my healer, i believe you are all i need
i believe you're my portion, i believe you're more than enough for me, jesus you're all i need
and that's when it hit me.
i don't believe, do i?
peering out of soaking wet lenses i cried out--wondering when i stopped believing, when he stopped being...enough. more than enough.
i couldn't tell you when it was--i couldn't pin-point it for you. but it seems that this season, this god-drought, this semi-seeking has been consistent along with becoming a mother.
there was a time i craved the lord. like a newborn longing for its mother's breast. like a dry mouth wanting to be quenched of its thirst.
when did that end? where did i get side tracked? lost in the array of day-to-day activities and to-do lists, grocery trips and diaper changes?
when did picking up a devotional for five minutes in the morning become simply a check off my list rather than something i desired?
i used to get lost in the word. i was in love--desperate for, lost without--my savior.
and now?
writing this, on good friday, the day the earth shook and the sky turned black as my gracious savior bled for me, i feel unworthy. i want to believe again. in the depths of my core, the deepest caverns of my soul.
it seems silly... i've been there, the place i want to be. i have been there before. but i can't quite find my way back.
and yet maybe there is something in naming this feeling. this yearning. this need. maybe me putting it into words is the first step. maybe acknowledging the desert will help me to find the well.
so here it is:
i want, i long for, i need more god.
maybe you are feeling this way as well. or maybe you have recently taken this as invitation and dove in deep in the pursuit of god again. if you have any recommendations on rekindling the fire, i would love to hear them and i'm sure others would appreciate it as well.
if you are in the same shoes as i, currently, i want to challenge you (myself included) to really soak in this easter weekend, bask in his presence and remember what exactly it is we are celebrating.
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