on turning twenty five

a quarter of a century...just five years shy of thirty, thirty! which used to seem so ancient to me. and now, most of our friends are approaching that age quickly or have already passed into their thirties. i cried yesterday to david--i've been doing that a lot recently...crying. i told him i still feel so young. that i still have so much life left and, yet, it feels like it's flying by.

one year ago i told him that i wanted my 25th to be a big deal. "go all out," i said, "throw me a surprise party! plan a big vacation!" and then i got pregnant again.


i woke up friday morning with only twenty-six days left til my due date. at almost nine months pregnant i feel as if i could care less about celebrating my birthday. i feel like a big bulging cow, an emotional train wreck, still searching for that part of me that i lost since becoming a mother...i know she's in there, i just know it.

but enough of the melodramatics...today, right now, as my first baby sleeps soundly in her room and the other snugly tucked into my belly, as i eat a banana and drink a tall glass of water, as the light has yet to peek over the horizon and stream into our living room, i am thankful.

grateful:

for the twenty-five years i have been graciously given. i have wandered, i have strayed, i have disobeyed and been foolish more times than i can count. and, yet, here i am. i have survived. but, my friends, not by my own accord.

it has been a difficult journey, a joyous road and, at times, a deeply sorrowful one. and i have learned so so much.

so, in honor of hitting this mark in the man-made concept of time, i thought i would share a few of the things i have learned in my 'time' on this earth.

1. living to please people is the most exhausting and life-draining act. letting go of this, being ok with the fact that not everyone will like you and want to be your best friend, is so so freeing.
2. there are many many 'right ways' to go, stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
3. it's ok to cry if you want to, feel like you need to, or feel as if you have no reason. it's ok.
4. love is really the most important. not evangelism. not trying to persuade people into your political party. not changing someone's mind. love. with no strings. no conditions.
5. people are everything. they are beautiful. they are unique. they are special. every one--every. single. person-- has something to contribute, something to bring to the table. your life is one of purpose. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
6. don't be afraid to mess up, get dirty, be imperfect. 
7. the times where i felt the most "liked" or "cool" or "wanted" were also the times when i did not care what people thought. when i was being my most true authentic self.
8. take more selfies--better yet, ask someone to take your picture. don't be shy in front of the camera; when you're eighty you will look back and think "wow, i looked great."
9. the grass really is greener where you water it.
10. thankfulness breeds joy. i will say it again... thankfulness. breeds. joy! 
11. there is beauty in everything. even the dirtiest, heartbreaking situations--even, dare i say, in death.
12. becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i say happened, because obviously (hello!) i wasn't planning on it! do not knock on people having children. 
13. if you have a random urge to do a specific good deed, do it! you will look back and regret if you ignore this tug on your heart.
14. sing, even if you are no good, sing. dance, even if you have only one move, dance. 
15. when you're in public and feeling awkward, stop scrolling! get off your phone! look around and make uncomfortable eye contact with someone! notice the world!
16. less is more--really, truly.
17. take care of this planet. it's literally been given to us to steward. and yet, we do everything but. plant more trees, save the bees and maybe listen to some ancient creation wisdom before calling it just a bunch of "hippie sh*t." (also i am still working on this and pray i continue to get better as the years go on)
18. to go along with number sixteen, quality over quantity. always. call me crazy, a stickler, whatever ;) i am such a firm believer in this with everything we own. even toys. i want to teach our children about beauty and working with their hands and shopping small and living this out down to the smallest details is how we will do just that.
19. what you eat matters. fuel your body with goodness from the ground! but also, balance is key. moderation is so important. if you eat a donut or cheeseburger, love that donut or cheeseburger! do not guilt yourself over such things.
20. patience is difficult. but some of the most rewarding hours, days, years are the ones where we are in the 'waiting room.'
21. hug more.
22. having rhythm to your days, weeks, months is not just 'nice' but necessary. 
23. love yourself
24. when you say 'i am sorry,' mean it. 
25. i used to be called obnoxious, dramatic, over emotional. now i embrace this part of me. i was created with these big, over-the-top emotions. (but i have learned that i cannot let my emotions rule me, control me. i am still working on this one) love the way you were made. love your personality. embrace your personality. do not let people squash it. and when they do, let it go.