i'm no gymnast

it's curious...even when i sit there listing the good things, i end up finding something contrary about it all. the words i select, the tone in my voice, there is always bits of bitterness welling up and overflowing, even into the sweetest of things.

seeing the world 'a glass half full' doesn't seem to come naturally for me. perhaps i am jaded? undoubtedly, there was once a time where i saw goodness, blessing, positivity everywhere...inside every nook, every soul, around every corner. i saw it without trying, without searching. effortlessly, i happened upon it--rather, it happened upon me.

hands + feet

it's the topic of almost every discussion, facebook thread, instagram post, news story this week...what happened in vegas. i wanted to keep my mouth shut for fear of man. i wanted to leave the opinions to facebook repostings and brief instagram captions...but i cannot.

i cannot continue to sit back and watch each passing 'pray for vegas' picture and pretend like it's ok.

i cannot continue to watch government officials all around the states tweet out 'thoughts and prayers' and pretend like it's ok.

on surrender

"there is an appointed time for everything. and there is a time for every event under heaven--a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted."
-ecclesiastes 3:2

as our family anticipates the arrival of this new little one, we are met with every emotion. it's difficult for me to quit thinking that happiness lies in the future, no matter how badly we yearn for it. but rather, we must be fully present, giving into the slow-drip of time and of waiting. there is only so many more days left as a family of three--as hadley being our only child--and i long so badly to savor these moments, to soak up all the richness that is right now.

with less than two days to go until the "due date," we will be going about our days quite the same but with an emphasis on being here, fully invested. i place quotations there because, well, baby could come any day now...or she may possibly wait for a few more weeks (crossing my fingers the latter does not happen).

every hour i need thee

my throat was swollen with tears. you know that i-might-vomit-i'm-on-the-verge-of-balling-so-hard lump in your throat that you get? paired with blurry vision from tears that won't hold back, a car ride isn't really the place i wanted to be. and yet, that is where i found myself. in the driver seat, losing it, feeling as if i had no control, as if i wasn't really at the wheel.

i sat there, hadley dozing in the backseat getting a head start on naptime, while kari jobe's healer kept shooting little pangs of aches deep in my heart, my gut.

on turning twenty five

a quarter of a century...just five years shy of thirty, thirty! which used to seem so ancient to me. and now, most of our friends are approaching that age quickly or have already passed into their thirties. i cried yesterday to david--i've been doing that a lot recently...crying. i told him i still feel so young. that i still have so much life left and, yet, it feels like it's flying by.

one year ago i told him that i wanted my 25th to be a big deal. "go all out," i said, "throw me a surprise party! plan a big vacation!" and then i got pregnant again.

motherhood, the loneliest season

it has been 952 days since the gray cloud has made its way into my life, my heart--952 days since i took a positive pregnancy test and slowly began the sink into isolation.

my mother told me it would happen. it happened to her, she said, and it's happened to others--many others.

one would think after a few years this would go away, the clouds would lift, evaporate. but that's not the case, not even close.

this week my feelings have been much like the weather: snowing one moment, sunny and in the seventies the next--very confused, very bipolar.