on surrender

"there is an appointed time for everything. and there is a time for every event under heaven--a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted."
-ecclesiastes 3:2

as our family anticipates the arrival of this new little one, we are met with every emotion. it's difficult for me to quit thinking that happiness lies in the future, no matter how badly we yearn for it. but rather, we must be fully present, giving into the slow-drip of time and of waiting. there is only so many more days left as a family of three--as hadley being our only child--and i long so badly to savor these moments, to soak up all the richness that is right now.

with less than two days to go until the "due date," we will be going about our days quite the same but with an emphasis on being here, fully invested. i place quotations there because, well, baby could come any day now...or she may possibly wait for a few more weeks (crossing my fingers the latter does not happen).

every hour i need thee

my throat was swollen with tears. you know that i-might-vomit-i'm-on-the-verge-of-balling-so-hard lump in your throat that you get? paired with blurry vision from tears that won't hold back, a car ride isn't really the place i wanted to be. and yet, that is where i found myself. in the driver seat, losing it, feeling as if i had no control, as if i wasn't really at the wheel.

i sat there, hadley dozing in the backseat getting a head start on naptime, while kari jobe's healer kept shooting little pangs of aches deep in my heart, my gut.

on turning twenty five

a quarter of a century...just five years shy of thirty, thirty! which used to seem so ancient to me. and now, most of our friends are approaching that age quickly or have already passed into their thirties. i cried yesterday to david--i've been doing that a lot recently...crying. i told him i still feel so young. that i still have so much life left and, yet, it feels like it's flying by.

one year ago i told him that i wanted my 25th to be a big deal. "go all out," i said, "throw me a surprise party! plan a big vacation!" and then i got pregnant again.