i'm no gymnast

it's curious...even when i sit there listing the good things, i end up finding something contrary about it all. the words i select, the tone in my voice, there is always bits of bitterness welling up and overflowing, even into the sweetest of things.

seeing the world 'a glass half full' doesn't seem to come naturally for me. perhaps i am jaded? undoubtedly, there was once a time where i saw goodness, blessing, positivity everywhere...inside every nook, every soul, around every corner. i saw it without trying, without searching. effortlessly, i happened upon it--rather, it happened upon me.


now i lift up rocks and cushions, shake out blankets and towels, stare a little longer, listen a little harder, hoping to find the glimmer in the dust...the magic in the mundane.

and i list.

sun shadows dancing on the wall opposite our bed while the girls nap
walking under the bluest of sky on a warmer-winter-might-as-well-be-spring day
knocking on a neighbor's door to say hello
birds, chirping, ushering--beckoning--the new season

yet i am so tempted to flounder, stubbornly fixating on the shower we don't have, the tub that still leaks, the stove (while not sitting in the living room any longer) dormant in the kitchen, the search for community, struggles in marriage, losing my identity in motherhood...

could i just possibly be only auspicious? could i say anything with less than a trace of the muddiness of my soul?

there is a balance i am searching for, albeit slowly, while on the search for the good things. the balance of acknowledging struggle, being vulnerable and transparent in that, and simultaneously not letting that struggle muddle away the sweet nectars of life.

and for me, achieving this balance--this harmony within myself--is quite challenging. and yet, this tug and pull, this ebb and flow, isn't that life? for so long it seems that i have been trying to fight it. even as i type these words oceans' tides are rising, falling. imagine, if the surfers didn't give in and ride the waves? if instead tried to go against them, battle them?

it has already been four weeks since i have gone without social media. four of the most refreshing weeks i have had in quite a long while. four weeks i have felt more present, less comparing, more in tune, less anxious.

four weeks in which i am beginning to understand embracing the whole self, the whole of life. that we must fall in and let it carry us, trust the current, trust the story.

the messiness, the muck, the magic, the parts of myself i am even still learning to love--it is all good, it is all beauty.

riding a wave can feel terrifying. it may feel as if you are done for.

but standing on the beach with the sand between your toes looking back out as the tides rise, crash and slip out to sea once more--at least for me, i cannot help but stop and gaze, captivated by mystery, wonder...

and i think it's just like life, just like you and like me. it comes in waves. we can sit there trying to fight it, frustratingly fighting ourselves. or we can dive in, ride it, dance with it, scary as it may be--but all the while sit back in wonder, delighting at the beauty and mystery of this magnificent journey we are all on.