laborade: a recipe

sometimes making a small change in the way we've done things before is enough to calm nerves and--praying and crossing my fingers--could even change whole situations.

i'm talking about labor. with hadley, my labor lasted ten hours, start to finish including pushing. it wasn't a horror story, it wasn't a walk in the park. however, i was induced and i still carry guilt with me for that. i had an epidural and i still carry guilt for that as well. i'll share a more detailed version of her birth soon, but in the meantime i wanted to share this recipe i've been working on.

on surrender

"there is an appointed time for everything. and there is a time for every event under heaven--a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted."
-ecclesiastes 3:2

as our family anticipates the arrival of this new little one, we are met with every emotion. it's difficult for me to quit thinking that happiness lies in the future, no matter how badly we yearn for it. but rather, we must be fully present, giving into the slow-drip of time and of waiting. there is only so many more days left as a family of three--as hadley being our only child--and i long so badly to savor these moments, to soak up all the richness that is right now.

with less than two days to go until the "due date," we will be going about our days quite the same but with an emphasis on being here, fully invested. i place quotations there because, well, baby could come any day now...or she may possibly wait for a few more weeks (crossing my fingers the latter does not happen).

a peek inside my birthing bag

as i lay in bed with my feet propped up i cannot help but notice that this little babe who is tucked snug beneath my heart is quieter than normal. she must be napping. she seems to be doing a lot of that lately as she really has run out of room, me being filled to the brim. i'm ready to pop. any moment now. and it truly is taking a toll on this here pregnant body of mine, which has been favoring pre-labor contractions for the past week or so.

there have been many moments i have quickly grabbed david's arm with that look on my face and asked him if i should call neva, our midwife. "just wait, just wait," he's said. and so far he's been right.

at almost 40 weeks, we are both soo ready and nowhere near ready. isn't funny how that is? but as we look back on our time with hadley as a newborn we are reminded they don't need much. so when this little babe decides to make her grand entrance, we know all will be well.

every hour i need thee

my throat was swollen with tears. you know that i-might-vomit-i'm-on-the-verge-of-balling-so-hard lump in your throat that you get? paired with blurry vision from tears that won't hold back, a car ride isn't really the place i wanted to be. and yet, that is where i found myself. in the driver seat, losing it, feeling as if i had no control, as if i wasn't really at the wheel.

i sat there, hadley dozing in the backseat getting a head start on naptime, while kari jobe's healer kept shooting little pangs of aches deep in my heart, my gut.

the night she lost her paci

on turning twenty five

a quarter of a century...just five years shy of thirty, thirty! which used to seem so ancient to me. and now, most of our friends are approaching that age quickly or have already passed into their thirties. i cried yesterday to david--i've been doing that a lot recently...crying. i told him i still feel so young. that i still have so much life left and, yet, it feels like it's flying by.

one year ago i told him that i wanted my 25th to be a big deal. "go all out," i said, "throw me a surprise party! plan a big vacation!" and then i got pregnant again.